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My voice within me

Posted by Lemonaide on August 17, 2008, at 5:11:16

I don't know if this will make any sense to anyone, but I have this voice inside of me that talks to me, perhaps it is just my thoughts, or my ego, or who knows what exactly. Perhaps everyone has an inner voice, I don't know know I have never talked about this with anyone before. But it is always there, helping me think things through, it is in an essence, who I am, me.

I remember the voice from the very beginning of my memories as a child, telling me I will be okay, I am smart I will get out of this house and away from my mom forever and live a good life, etc and nobody is going to hurt me. Life will be so much better, etc.

I think this voice is what got me through what I have gone through my entire life. Both my T's, my trumpet instructor, etc. would say I have low self esteem and I would disagree. I think my self esteem is really pretty good. I am always thinking to myself that I can do such and such if I put my mind to it, and I am usually right. I am always telling myself things will be allright.

But as a child I wasn't able to be all I could be because my mom was very jealous of me and would smack me down to size if I did anything well, so eventually I learned not to do very well. But the voice inside told me I could, and I would if I could just get away from home. So as a child I didn't do well on purpose, my T's both said this shows the capacity to change within my environment to stay safe, and shows that my smarts is what helped me survive a horrible childhood.

I remember doing a MDA bike-a-thon, I got so many pledges because I tried so hard to get as many people to sign up as I could. I wanted to win the 10 speed bike, because I had a one speed hand me down bike that was all rusted, etc. Well what happened is that I did get the most pledges than anyone else per mile, but since I was younger and had a smaller bike, I couldn't keep up with the teens who were much older than me and go faster with more miles. So I didn't win the bike, but they put my name and picture in the paper and when my mom found out she was beyond furious or what I don't know. Said I was showing off, etc. trying to better than her, etc. Well lets say I will never forget that day she found out, and it is safe to say I never signed up for an event like that again. My voice inside told me that I have only X amount of years before I could leave home. I so much wanted to be adopted, if I wasn't threatened with my life for telling, I probably would have told and been happy getting away from her.

So now I am not in that childhood, and even though I still have that same voice telling me I can do things, I am so used to just doing well enough to get buy. So I haven't learned how to be a good success or how to fail, when I really do fail, not because I am trying to on purpose, but because nobody is perfect, I falter. So when I fail at something I am really trying to do well, I don't know how to gracefully lose. Not bad sportsmanship with others, but within myself. I take it very hard and I think it is because I never got the practice of losing when I was really trying to succeed. When I would not do well on purpose, it was no big deal if I got a C, I didn't even think twice about it.
So I think I am in a development stage in life that most of us go through as a child, but I am as an adult going through it now.
So I still disagree it isn't my self esteem, my inner self tells me mostly positive, self encouraging things. I just don't know how to lose when I don't meet my standards that I want. So what would you call this? Because when I do meet them, I am telling myself that I should have been able to do this all along.

Does this make any sense to anyone at all? What does this all mean? How do you figure out your own mind?




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Psycho-Babble Psychology | Framed

poster:Lemonaide thread:846783