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Re: I got a letter from my T! ;-( » LadyBug

Posted by Dinah on July 14, 2008, at 22:53:18

In reply to Re: I got a letter from my T! ;-( » Dinah, posted by LadyBug on July 14, 2008, at 22:15:02

You have received a lot of loss at once. Any one of the losses would have been more than enough.

(((Ladybug)))

I guess under the circumstances I'd be flooded with two insistent impulses, in complete contradiction to each other.

Part of me would want to treat it the same way I would if someone were dying. I'd want to meet, and reconcile, and pay fitting tribute to the good times as well as expressing regret and pain for the bad. And I'd like to do that in as nonangry way as possible.

But I think a bigger part of me would want to hate him forever and ever and ever for leaving me. I might make an exception if he sobbed or something to show that leaving was wrenching for him as well, but otherwise I'd want to get as far away from him as possible, never talk to him again, and if I did to make it as unpleasant as I could for him. And those would be the healthier of the latter set of impulses.

Or maybe I wouldn't. When I thought he was gone forever, I merely sobbed great wrenching coughing sobs until I thought I'd throw up, and even let him put his arm around my shoulders and make soothing sounds. Even though I cynically suspected it was just to try to keep me from throwing up on his carpet.

I dunno. I guess it's client's call. There is no good or bad choice. Just what is least hurtful or most satisfying for you.

This is probably not politically correct to say, but my therapist and I have talked over the years. And if she's anything like my therapist, she might be feeling pretty hurt herself right now. And some of her stiffness might be coming from her own hurt and feelings of abandonment, and resulting anger. I know that if they detect those feelings in themselves, they're supposed to put them aside to act totally therapist-like. But she's known you for eleven years. She's felt love for you. Those loving feelings didn't come from a "therapist". They come from the real, feeling, and imperfect person that she is. From X, the therapist, not from Therapist X.

I'm not trying to excuse her. But I hope when you look back on this, you can remember that love, and not think that the way it ended negated the years of caring.

 

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