Posted by raisinb on June 19, 2008, at 18:17:03
Well, I was so upset over that phone call issue that I sent my therapist an emergency page. She called back and said she'd been waiting to call me back so she could talk to the practice manager about what the exact policy was (although, since she's never not called me back before, it is possible that she *was* angry).
According to her, she thought that had always been her policy, and she was sorry if she had not billed me for calls over 30 minutes before. She said she would go back through my records and check, and was sorry for any misunderstanding.
Well, I started yelling and yelling at her. She let me rant and cry for awhile, then stopped me and said "I can't do this with you fighting me like this," that it was time to stop only talking about what was wrong with her, because it was not productive, and we needed to focus on *me,* because that was the only way we'd be able to move forward. I protested this endlessly, but she was firm. She said sometimes she had to set a boundary when we were not getting anywhere. She said she would love to see me come back, if I was willing to go with that plan.
As you can imagine, I was unhappy with this and told her I was quitting. Then I spent two days sad and very, very lost, and made appointments with other therapists (one of whom was great, so I have a backup just in case).
Then, because I was in so much pain, I thought, well, what would it be like to go back and just do it her way? Immediately I felt this tremendous wave of relief that I would be able to stop fighting and turn the burden of this over to her. So that is what I did. And things have gone really well so far.
It very well may not be the right decision. But I just can't *agonize* over this any more--is this right? should I quit? am I getting screwed here? I can't keep resisting, trying to control what she does, suspiciously looking at every question or action for hidden motives. My therapist was right--it was time to either quit or trust her. So I chose the latter. I feel like a tremendous burden has been lifted from my shoulders. It may not work out, but I could not continue what I was doing--the constant debating over whether she was good or bad, whether she cares or not. I do it in every relationship and though it's been good to protect me, it's also a form of self-punishment. Given the crises I've been through lately, I know I have to stop putting myself through hell, or I literally might end up dead.
It is bizarre to me that my therapist could have been right about something--in fact, know better than me myself--but evidently that is what happened. Or maybe she didn't know s--t, but what she did worked.
I am doing well for now. My doctor added Zoloft to my Wellbutrin, and the combination seems to be working much better than the former alone. I might not be on Babble much right now, because I am moving, it's summer, and I won't have internet access. But I hope you all are doing very well, and I'll be back soon--I am sure with more dramatic updates :).
poster:raisinb
thread:835522
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080616/msgs/835522.html