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Depression vent

Posted by Happyflower on May 23, 2008, at 14:00:44

I walked into his office yesterday on the verge of tears so pissed off at my life, at myself, my past.

I said I was so frusterated with myself and this depression. I have been through hell before, and was okay, but this depression has to be the most debilitating thing I have ever had to endure. I am barely alive, I feel like a walking shell of a person, just going through the motions, well some of them. Some I just don't do, period. I am good at sleep and wasting my time at thinking about nothing in particular, just wasting my life away.

Then feeling guilty for not doing a damn thing. My messy house makes me depressed, but yet I am too depressed to clean it. I want to play with my kids, but I just can't, there is no energy. I use the computer as devise like an alcoholics use booze to numb the pain, pass the time.

I told my T I have tried to fight it, but it is stronger than me, and I am beginning to give up hope that I can overcome this. I feel numb, beaten down some days that I just want to day to be over with so I can try another day. I don't have cancer or anything, who am I to complain. I have it so good compared to others, why can't I just kick my *ss and get going? I am strong, why can't I be strong in this case? What the hell is wrong with me?
Cymbalta seems to make me feel even and mellow. But it too early to know if it will work, sometimes my hope causes false results. It is hard to have all my hope in this pill. I am doing what I am suppose to do take drugs, and have therapy. When will it work?
I has a wonderful session with my T yesterday. We talked about this depression, my ambivalent feelings towards my old T and my old band directer. Also talked about spirituality, not so much religion.
One thing I am not ready to admit because I don't believe it, but yet my T is trying to get me to the place of accepting the good and the bad of my past relationships. Okay I did learn something from my old T, but I can't say the pain I am going through has been worth the lessons in life.

When I see my old T I want to hug him but yet kick him in the shin. My T tried to finish my sentence by saying kicking him in the balls, but I guess I am not that angry. He said he has had both happen, and they feel simular.

I don't feel much like talking about my session right now. I feel like I need to hold on to the feeling he gives me. Sometimes it is better not to talk about it. Just feel it and smile. Thanks for "listening" if you made it to the end of this. I just needed to vent.




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