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I had this experience this morning *maybe trig?*

Posted by raisinb on May 17, 2008, at 14:55:07

that I wanted to share and get others' thoughts on. It was intense. I'm still pretty shaky from my experience last weekend, and I'm still adjusting to Wellbutrin, so I may be extra emotional because of that.

This morning, I went running and came home to shower. As I was undressing, I caught sight of myself in the bathroom mirror. I was looking into my own eyes--which I realized, I never do--I look at my face and hair, making sure everything is okay, looking for flaws, but I never look into my own eyes.

When I did, it was like I could see all the pain in there for the first time. How bad and hard it had been for me. It was overwhelming, and I felt so incredibly sad, and then I realized, in a rush, that it was the first time I had ever felt genuine love and compassion for myself. My whole life. I have never felt that. I knew intellectually that I had low self-esteem, I analyzed myself, I struggled with rerouting my negative beliefs and thinking patterns. But I had never looked into the eyes of me in the mirror and felt deep love, compassion, and sadness for all I had been through. It was like a--shock--a very shocking feeling, like being punched in the stomach.

And this was so sad that I started crying, but instead of hiding under the covers I watched myself cry in the mirror. It occurred to me to say to myself, everything about you is okay. And in that moment I believed it. And I cried, while watching myself, and it was so, so sad, but all the time I wanted more of it.

I never realized how much I hated myself. On a gut level I never knew how much time I had spent punishing and controlling myself. It was overwhelming and sad and it showed me how far I had to go but I was glad it was happening, just for a minute, anyway.

Just wanted to see if anyone had any thoughts or similar experiences.




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