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This may be as good as it gets (Too long)

Posted by Dinah on May 16, 2008, at 11:50:36

No need to read really. It's way too long. But I am trying to work something out for myself, and I often find Babbling is a good way to do that. And babblers sometimes set me straight if I'm wrong about something. But that doesn't mean I'm asking anyone to read this self indulgent tome.

I think I'm doing about as well as I ever will.

For the most part I feel connected to my family (as in husband and son). We all love and respect each other. There are the usual rubs that come when people with some fundamental differences live together. I think my husband will always scare my son and me by his crackling anger and quick controlled movements when he's angry. But he's not actually doing anything wrong. He doesn't hurt us physically ever. He doesn't hit below the belt in verbal arguments. He doesn't yell. For the most part he respects us. He'll always find me scattered and irresponsible, and I'll grant him that. I can be irresponsible and definitely I've always been absent minded. And I'll toss in self indulgent, though he doesn't seem to mind that so much. I think as marriages go, we have a really good one. I can't imagine anyone else I'd want to live my life with. I love my husband, and more importantly I like and respect him as a person. I adore my son, and I can't think of anyone I like and respect more than I like and respect him. We definitely produced someone who is fundamentally nicer than we are.

I've got some decisions to make in my life. But that will probably be a constant with me. Decisions terrify me. However I might think I'd like another path more than this one, leaving this path is such a scary prospect that I'm unlikely to ever do it. I know this path. And the possibility for change is everpresent. While it's impossible to go back to a path you've left.

Mostly I feel relatively good. They talk about happiness setpoints, and I think I agree with the idea. I've never had a real talent for happiness and I don't think I ever will. I'll never be exuberant, bubbly, or excited about life. I'll have only the most fleeting moments of joy. But I feel content and philosophical (if philosophical can be a feeling?). I see things realistically, I think. I accept what *is* for the most part. Not about decisions maybe, because those aren't really unchangeable. But I understand that I am who I am, my husband is who he is, my therapist is who he is, my mother is who she is, my relationships are what they are, etc. I don't bang my head against the wall making myself miserable by hoping anything will be other than what it is. I don't think I'm cynical precisely. I always hold open the possibility for improvement. I just don't lean on the possibility or invest a whole lot in it. Pragmatism. I believe a lot in being pragmatic.

I'm feeling sad in the mornings. It wears off during the day. Sometimes I wake up with thoughts of harming myself. But I understand that I will feel better as the day go on. And I can mostly accept that the thoughts just are, and I don't need to either fight them or give in to them. I think this might be a natural biorhythm thing for me. I can rarely eat until nearly noon, and this was always true. My mother used to pack a midmorning snack for me, because I just couldn't eat in the mornings.

I'm interpersonally sensitive. Perceived slights hurt me and make me withdraw and feel tearful. Old feelings of being socially unacceptable are everpresent. But I am getting better at distracting myself and getting myself back on even keel faster.

I have a *major* problem with procrastination. And many crises caused by the procrastination. This is something I really need to work on. It causes problems in my life that are totally optional.

I need to work on my priorities. My family and home is my priority. I've wanted to be a homemaker since I was a little girl. Yet my actual time and emotional energy too often go into work or the internet or reading books. I need to invest my time and energy where my heart is.

There are some upcoming problems with my mother. I can't decide if I'm being avoidant by not thinking about them. Or if I'm being wise to not think about something I have no control over.

I'm not as integrated as some might think healthy. But I think for the most part I've come to terms with who I am, and usually I value all of me.

I still have meltdowns. I always will. My central nervous system is finely tuned, and I strongly suspect there are some crossed wires in there too. But I've gotten better at taking Risperdal as needed at the earliest signs. I've done a pretty good job of internalizing my therapist. And having him there in person also helps me self regulate. Except when he is the cause of the meltdown. :)

I have pockets of issues. Social anxiety, sexual issues, and my brain works in odd ways sometimes. I'm overly dependent on my therapist and my husband (and my father before his death and maybe even after his death). I'm not altogether sure how much I want to work on these. I keep having the idea that fixing those problems will lead me to do things more often that I don't really want to do at all. And my brains works oddly. Ok, that's not entirely bad. My therapist charitably tells me that maybe my purpose in life is to present things in ways that people aren't used to thinking of them.


Maybe this is as good as it gets.

Maybe my lack of happiness over that is due to my low happiness set point.

The Psychology aspect of this is that I am taking stock of where I'm at, with the idea of thinking about where I need to go from here. In therapy and out.




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