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Talking about Shame **triggers** sex too

Posted by llurpsienoodle on May 9, 2008, at 17:39:23

It's kind of rare that I talk about the content of a session, but this one was so remarkable, I just have to get it out there.

I started off by telling him about how I had been accepted to a post-doc position. They accepted me the day after the interview, so I guess it was an easy decision? I was kind of nervous during the interview, feeling that the guy was seeing right into my crazy core. Well whatever. They want me, I want them. Easy decision. But it's hard for llurpsie to feel good about herself. I feel I'm getting better at that, but still many deep issues I'm ashamed of.

I still for the LIFE of me cannot recall how the subject turned to sex. you see, I have some sexual dysfunction right now. to put it politely. I have been declining any/all opportunities to display my inadequacies. hence no sex. except! well, T said "It sounds like you had a breakthrough". And then we discussed the relative merits of "faking it". Um how AWkWaRd. I started to get fidgety and look out the window.

on to the next topic

Why do I get scared to come to therapy? Do you all get scared too? I am often petrified to see T. I worry about it all day long. We speculated why...

Here's what *I* came up with
1) fear of being late. always that. really really mortifying to be late ANYWHERE. particularly for therapy. go figger.
2) fear of saying something in session that I cannot tolerate
3) fear of hearing something in session that I cannot tolerate
4) fear of therapist himself

Here's what *he* came up with
1) performance anxiety- people who are doing hard work in therapy are focused on themselves, and feel that they need to have an agenda or a plan. Often llurpsie comes in with no plan and finds herself up a creek with no topic.
2) fear of men. Fear of sex. Here I started to get awfully uncomfortable. I said something like "but I don't feel safe in a room with a man, I don't know what you're going to do to me" he said "llurpsie you're safe" in a very kind, reassuring way (((((((T))))))) that was the highlight of the session. knowing that T is not going to abuse me sexually.
3) fear of my response to men. Okay. it gets ReaLLy awkWaRd now. T explains that part of it is fear about what T will do TO me, but that the other part is that I'm afraid I might actually respond to it. This gets back to the idea that my sexual self is immature and I need to get more comfortable having sexual drives. Even in therapy. ugh. SEX again. SEX SEX SEX. will the session ever end?????!!!!???? at one point it was so awkward that I was giggling and T was starting to chuckle at the whole situation. It was ridiculous, farcical.

I figured I needed to regain control at that point, so I resurrected my gaze and decided that I needed to talk about something without sexual content.

Hey T- I've been systematically mutilating my cuticles since hearing that I got my postdoc. Oh? "Well knock it off" I told him how much that statement pisses me off. "hey T, you shouldn't just say 'knock it off' because I need help here and you make it sound easy" T:"just because I say 'knock it off' doesn't mean that I think it's easy" Oh? well it sure sounds flippant to me! then we brainstormed. bandaids? ointments? cotton gloves? manicure. dear GOD am I really having this discussion with my male T? Manicures? wtf????!!!??? Llurpsie is WAY out of her comfort zone.

Oh what the hell, let's just put it all out there. "I've been binge eating too" then we discuss that I have had an awfully tough month-- especially the past week. i need to cut myself some slack.

We were running out of time. I was running out of shame. shameless. utterly!

His parting words to me "On Tuesday I want to hear how you've been able to avoid binge-eating"

I laughed in his face and quickly walked away (well, as quickly as I could, wearing my new Guess high heeled sandals)

what a bizarre session. sorry so long, I just thought I'd share.





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