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looks like I quit therapy today

Posted by raisinb on May 8, 2008, at 19:55:21

I went in today and she still wasn't present. She asked me how my weekend was (it's Thursday?) and she realized halfway in she'd forgotten to turn off her pager (I hate it when it vibrates during sessions).

It wasn't these little things though. It was her emotional tone. I could tell that she was bored, withdrawn, and just waiting for the hour to be over. She was saying things in a toneless, rote voice. I could see her saying the same things all day long to her other clients.

I brought it up but all she did was deny it. And she implied that I was the one who didn't want to be there.

She said she wanted me to stay and to be there on Monday. But her voice--I wish I could explain to you guys. It was like she was saying, "I forgot to buy cereal yesterday."

We talked about it but she denied it and didn't answer my questions about it. She said she was present. Finally I said this wasn't working for me, wasn't meeting my needs. She said, "so what does that mean?" I said it meant what it meant, that if she couldn't be present with me and communicate in a real way, then I had to go somewhere else where it would be better. She said that we could work this out and I should keep coming. But her voice--I just can't explain it. It was really fake. It sounded like she was a telemarketer.

She said she wanted me to call and handed over the receipt with the next appointment time. I started walking out, then turned and said, "I'm sorry. I can't." She said, "so that's it?" I said I didn't know what else to do, that she hadn't been present with me in a long time, that she wasn't communicating anything or expressing anything to me. She said she felt like it was all a repetition of my relationship with my mother. (This, again, was said as if she were measuring fabric or something.) I said, "no. When I came in I was reacting to my history. Now I'm reacting to our history."

I knew she wanted me out of there and she was tired of it. So I said I'll give you a call and walked out.

I feel nothing. As a matter of fact I feel dead. I don't know what to do. I can't lose this relationship and I can't go in there with her like that. I do not understand it. It has been over three years and she has always gone back and forth like this. But this is the longest, the last month, when she has been consistently fake. I feel devastated but I am withdrawing too. I feel little in session, reacting to her.

I am scattered and not upset but really dead calm and I hate that worse. I feel like it hurt so badly that I have dissociated or something. Thanks for reading everyone.




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