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Mad as a hornet one minute

Posted by seldomseen on April 18, 2008, at 6:07:07

Happy as a hindu cow the next.

That pretty much sums up my emotions this week.

Well, maybe happy as a hindu cow is somewhat of an exaggeration, let's just say - less desperate.

Wednesday's little "talk" with my therapist (see above thread) has blossomed into an unmitigated disaster in my head. Now, in addition to having to process, grieve and integrate my new found "freedom" with sexual abuse, I'm having to deal with the elusive unavailable therapist issues. Which, by the way, he certainly compounded in our last session by saying "I'm here if you need me, I'm not going anywhere, I'm here for you" blah blah blah blah blah. (clearly I am having a mad as a hornet moment, but underlying this is a lot of hurt and feeling abandoned)

Ever the goal oriented glutton for punishment that I am, I've decided to ask for more sessions with my T. I have some serious doubts that his current patient load will allow for that. I mean if he can't fit me it for an EMERGENCY session, then how can he fit me in for an additional REGULAR session a week. Since we were progressing to termination prior to my psyche just exploding, I'm sure his patient load expanded to fill my ever decreasing time slots with him. An entirely reasonable thing to do on his part in my opinion, and yet, here we are, me in crisis and him not available.

Nonetheless, I am going to try. I've decided that money talks and I'm going to show up with a rather large check in hand to cover the fees for twice weekly sessions for a month. He may be insulted, don't know, don't care. A bird in the hand is better than three in the bush so to speak.

If that fails, then he and I are going to have to re-visit his policy of exclusivity in therapy. His thinking is that multiple modes of therapy just end up muddying the waters. However, if I can not get what I need from him, then we need to talk seriously about getting me additional help.

This is my recovery and I need help. As I've indicated before, I can not carry this additional burden of sexual abuse on my back, I need help, I know I need help and I'm going to get it.

Oh, who am I kidding. I'll go through this alone and if I'm lucky I'll get to see him once a week, but most likely we'll have to stay at once every two weeks. I'm just not sure that 8 years of history with this man can fix a scheduling problem. I feel like I've got to try though.

Oh yeah - and talk about phoning it in. Could he be more hallmark card-like in his sessions and his talking? Platitude, after platitude after platitude.

A grumpy - yet altogether weepy
Seldom

 

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poster:seldomseen thread:823968
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