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How to open up in therapy?

Posted by estrellita on April 9, 2008, at 23:30:50

Over the past couple of months I have had a really difficult time being open in therapy. I get there and no matter what I planned to bring up ahead of time, I just shut down. I don't intend for it to happen, and I try to visualize talking and being open but it's like something takes over and I find myself unable to say much of anything.

Does this happen to anyone else, and how have you dealt with it?

I keep thinking that part of the problem is that I don't know who my therapist "really" is, and I have no reason to trust him. Also, more and more in the past year or two I've found myself avoiding feeling as much as I can. I know in the long run this won't turn out well, but it just seems so critical not to experience feelings. I sometimes wonder if it's my medication that's affecting this, or if it's simply a coping strategy I use to "protect" myself.

I don't know if I'm going to go back to therapy. I feel like a loser because I can't even do therapy right. My therapist was really frustrated today because I would barely talk or tell him what I want to do in therapy. I have no problem expressing things in writing, and have done that with this therapist a couple of times but he prefers to talk about things in session. It doesn't work out because I'll write things but then he wants to talk about it at the next session and I just don't know how.

Basically it's come down to him pointing out that if I'm unwilling to talk about feelings etc then therapy's not working and I should find another therapist or whatever. For me I think this inability to express anything is something that could be worked on in therapy but I don't know how on earth to do that when I am putting up what he called a "brick wall."

I don't know if I'm going to go anymore. I feel like I'm just wasting my money and time, not to mention his time. I feel bad for frustrating him but I feel mad that I'm not being understood. He said I said things during the last session that hurt him but I just say I don't care. And it feels like I don't, but deep down I know if I were able to feel, I would feel bad about hurting him.

I just don't know what to do. Nobody in my family, none of my close friends have gone to therapy, and just the other day my mom said she would never go to therapy for anything. The therapy process, the entire idea of it, is not something I grew up with. I have tried to explain this to the therapist, but he just doesn't seem to get it and why it affects me so much even now. It's like I got to a certain point in working with him and after that I just shut down.

Somebody else has to have gone through this. If you have any ideas about how to move forward, please comment. I feel like I have to choose between quitting (and never going to therapy again, because the thought of going through this all over again is exhausting) or continuing to go but not knowing how to deal with this wall and his frustration at it. If I quit, I'll always be mad at myself and even hate myself for quitting and not getting over this shutting down thing. But I don't know how I can keep going when I turn into a mean, terse brick wall once I walk through the door.


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Psycho-Babble Psychology | Framed

poster:estrellita thread:822525
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080405/msgs/822525.html