Posted by raisinb on April 4, 2008, at 12:06:32
In reply to Re: letter from T hurts, trying to move on fast » raisinb, posted by crushedout on April 4, 2008, at 11:47:15
OK, this is going to be rambling, because I am still struggling with these things, myself. And, it's just me, you probably have different things to learn...
But, in a very general nutshell, I learned that I have never felt good enough, always felt "wrong" or "damaged" in some way, and that most things I want very, very badly, I want because I think they will "fix" or "transform" me in some way. I want my T because getting her will magically make me lovable (I figured this out through analyzing, meticulously, my fantasies about her and thinking about what triggered the feelings).
I also learned that many of my relationships are built on my dishonesty. I love my T because she will settle for nothing less than emotional directness and full vulnerability--she sees through my defenses and dislikes them. This tells me that I didn't know it, but what I am with her is what I wanted to be all along, and that's my challenge and what I need to work on IRL.
And that I have a conflict about others needing me. My feelings for my T are triggered because she needs nothing from me. Other people needing me makes me feel safe, but also burdened and a bit unreal (this is related to my mother), and people who don't need me call up this complicated response of rejection, attempts to control, etc., with too many defenses and passive-aggressive ruminations to list.
I also learned, paradoxically, that somewhere in me is the knowledge that I am okay and fine, and there's nothing horrible wrong with me, and I don't *need* anybody. I just want connections and closeness. But when I get past the desperation of finding someone or something to fix me, then I am in a place where fear doesn't prevent me getting those connections.
And...that is all that is coming to my head right now. But it took a long, long time for me to get past how much I wanted my therapist to a place where I was emotionally able to figure it all out. I had to get out of it *some* (at least enough to say, okay, "here is what I can learn from this" as opposed to "oh no, I love her and we are meant to be but I can't have her and I am f*cked"). So eventually I was able to focus on me, rather than bemoaning the loss of her.
But I had to get to a certain level of self-acceptance before I could even start looking honestly at myself. Until I got there, I was focusing on my feelings for my therapist because I had some deep conviction that I was messed up and getting her would be the only way to fix me.
And if your therapist couldn't get you to that place (or more accurately, you couldn't get to that place with her help) I think it is important to move on.
I doubt that makes any sense, and again, it's just me...but I think that is the point of having this pain...so we can learn to see that even if we got our Ts we would still have the same problems, that would be only a temporary fix. What really has to happen is for us to change to become who we want to be, and then we'll know, deep down, that we're lovable and wonderful, and that there are lots of people who will see it.