Posted by rskontos on March 31, 2008, at 15:43:52
I had a session today or so it would seem. I know I went I had a bill for the month, I had a magazine from the office and a vague sense I had been there and that is mainly all I had. I had no memories of being there. I felt all floaty, my legs were like jelly, I was shaky and I felt just plain weird. I believe I dissociated the whole session. Yet maybe I know a few things but hard as I try I don't. I don't really believe this myself. I want to email him and say what did we talk about? I want to cry and call him. I would have earlier but I had to take my son to the doctor and now the moment has passed. I had to try and pull myself together to go to the school to pick up my son and get him to the doc.
I mean WTF. I remember driving to the office. I remember going to bathroom first. I always go to the bathroom first. I remember walking in to the office. Then I "wake up" about a mile down the road. I am not sure who took over. I really hate this crap. I feel so loose from my body and reality right now. All the way driving to my son's school I had to keep checking to see if my body and I were still connected. It was tough trying to stay in the moment.
There a some things bothering me now about therapy. I think I am pretending to be better. Why. I don't know. I am just not getting it. I don't really feel a connection and maybe I am just pretending. His sleepiness is bothering me. I feel like I am boring him. I don't like how the sessions are going. I think I am switching more but can't be sure. I did today. But am I going to tell him, I am not sure. Why I think.
I don't know if this therapy thing is really working.
I am not depressed or anxious. Actually think I have somewhat a handle on it with the xanax. It i s more than that I think. I think my alters are playing a game with p-doc.
I dont know.
I just dont get this crap.
Anyway, you don't have to answer I needed to vent. I want Daisym's t. She seems to have a good one. Mine is sometimey right now.
I am sad not depressed or anxious. Just sad again.
And in my sessions he brings out chatty girl. And today I left I think while she came out. I think that is what happened and he did not know. I think my fragments are smarter than p-doc.
sorry if this is rambling mess, that is me right now.
if I email though, for those that suggest it, i don't think he will get it. I don't.
I see him again on thurs. i go on vac. on friday. you know the part of therapy I don't like is how much you do on your own. my therapy right now seems one-sided. He is on the side of the room, no couch, and I am doing all the work and I am sucking at it.
Because what other feelings could I have been having on the way home. I was in session, and slapped by amnesia on the way home. WTF is all I can say.