Posted by fleeting flutterby on March 25, 2008, at 16:53:31
In reply to Re: First post.... Annierose, seldom, B2c... » fleeting flutterby, posted by raisinb on March 25, 2008, at 10:05:27
Thanks for the welcome raisinb! It's nice to hear that others relate.
> I think that there is no answer that's right for everyone. So many people are helped by medication, and maybe you'll be one of them.>
.... Yes, this is a very good point.
> What helped me was to explore what taking meds symbolized for me. I felt very much like you--that my pain was a part of me, and if I medicated myself to make it go away, I'd be treating myself as I was treated as a child--shoved off to the side because I was difficult, not as happy or easy as I was supposed to be. When my former therapist insisted that I was "biologically damaged" and needed medication, I heard her saying "you're irrevocably messed up and unfixable, and I don't know how to help you except to drug you." In hindsight, I know that's probably not what she meant, but in the moment, it destroyed our relationship.>
....... YES, it's such a coincidence that you would post this today!--- I just got home from seeing T. and this is just what we talked about, told her how I would feel "defective", "not good enough", if I started on meds..... not that I think of others that way that are on meds, Oh NO-- I don't-- it's just thoughts about myself. (and I'm also so afraid of side effects!)
> On the other hand, my refusal to take something that might help me is part of a slightly unhealthy perfectionist tendency on my part. I can't stand to admit there are flaws I can't fix alone.<
..... Yep, that is ME too.
> My point is that I think it's very important for you, with your new T, to explore all the symbolic meanings of the conflict between two Ts, and just what taking medication *means* for you. I think that is different for everyone, and I think it's important to have a safe space to explore what those meanings are as you make these decisions.<
......Yes, we did do that today except-- I didn't talk about my former T. and how he doesn't believe in medicating the emotionally struggling. I was too afraid to....... she might have yelled -- "WHAT! are you going to go by what your former T. says, someone you no longer see, OR are you going to listen to ME?"...... I was fearful that bringing it up might cause anger. :o(
(I'm so uncomfortable with that emotion)
thank you for your reply. It's so nice to hear from others -- their insights and ideas.