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Re: No Hugs for me sunnydays

Posted by Daisym on March 21, 2008, at 0:51:46

In reply to Re: No Hugs for me DAisym, posted by sunnydays on March 20, 2008, at 23:13:35

I for one am sooo proud of you for opening the topic with him. It's a scary thing to talk about, especially when it's such a loaded act and knowing he won't say yes. I haven't talked with my T about it because I'm afraid he would say no. I have brought it up round about that I would like I hug sometimes but I'm afraid he'd say no, but I did it in emails and he has never brought it up and I haven't brought it up yet, but he didn't respond and say he would give me a hug, so I think he wouldn't.

**********There has been courage this week and I think that is why I was feeling so good yesterday. I got angry (not in therapy) - out loud angry - and the person I yelled at (nicely of course) apologized and told me I was absolutely right. They shouldn't have treated me that way. So I was astonished - and I think my therapist was tickled pink that I did what I did in a non-business setting. At work I can be assertive - in other areas I avoid conflict. But the first time I brought up the whole hug issue, years ago, I wasn't in a strong place and it was much more painful. So it helped that I'd been through it before.

One time, though, I was really scared and sad about leaving and I was having a really hard time getting out the door. Without saying anything at all, my T came over and rubbed my upper arm, sort of reassuringly. I loved that, and I wish he would do it again, but our relationship has changed a little since then and I'm not sure if he would.

************These intimate, unplanned moments are so full of healing. This is exactly what I was trying to convey today. That hugging him spontaneously yesterday would have been the right closure to that session and it made me feel sad that this wasn't possible. Not mad - not frustrated, just sad.

I also totally understand feeling hurt about him feeling the need to hold himself apart. My T said something to me as I was leaving once to let him know about how my group the next day went and to email him, and as I was walking out the door he added, "I suppose I could just look at the tape, but I don't think that I want to get that involved with you, I don't think that would be good for us." That really stung, and I haven't brought it up, but may have to.

*************My guess is that your therapist meant that he didn't want to get that involved in your group therapy - because then he might try to be objective and show you when or how you misinterpreted things instead of listening to your subjective-experience and helping you understand how or why or what you are feeling. Does that make sense? I've had those experiences where a mom will tell me all about her stubborn child and yet I've observed the child and know that the child is being age-appropriate - but I'll make an enemy out of the mom unless I validate her experience.

So I understand completely where you're coming from - it's like they say that they care and that we're important and that they are invested in us, but at the same time they keep at least some distance. I can understand rationally the need to keep that therapeutic objectiveness, but the little girl in me just wants love and comfort and doesn't understand why something she wants so much - for someone to be totally invested in her well-being and to totally care for her as a parent would - is something that would be 'bad'.

*******************I understand it rationally too. And I don't think I'm feeling that the policy is unfair or unwise or harmful. It was his choice of words that reminded me of the inherent separateness - and I felt alone. Not dropped by him, but the truth of how much holding he could really do.

Do you think any of your hurt might be a reaction from little Daisy? Your adult probably has feelings about it too, but some of the hurt sounds like a child feeling hurt and abandoned to me - but that could be total projection from my feelings.

**********Could be although I didn't feel abandoned. At least I don't think I did, it is hard for me to sort out those fears. But I felt like I'd suddenly been forced to face a thousand high bulletin board reminding me that this relationship is pretend and limited. Perhaps this is the original separation anxiety we all encounter when we have to choose between growth and exploration in the world and the warmth and comfort and safety of mom's lap. Sometimes we long to get back in the lap. And yet have to learn to live with knowing we never can. Seems unbearable sometimes. And yet we all go on, don't we?

Thanks for posting this Daisy. At least I'm not the only one.

**************One of the best things about Babble. None of us are alone. :)




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