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Re: No Hugs for me rskontos

Posted by Daisym on March 21, 2008, at 0:12:38

In reply to Re: No Hugs for me DAisym, posted by rskontos on March 20, 2008, at 21:29:26

I am not sure I can voice with words the thoughts in my head but I will try. I guess his boundaries are to prevent transference of the erotic kind since he only allows touch with some of his male patients. I can't say how this would make me feel since I have not explored this with my Dr S as it isn't necessary at this point. I hardly hug my H much less my T. IT is rare he gets a smile these days so a hugs probably would give him a faint.

*****************I don't think his boundaries are to prevent erotic transference - he's pretty open to talking about any sexual dreams or fantasies I have about him. I think it is partly a liability thing and partly the potential issues that touch brings up - including it being misconstrued. The funny thing is that I don't allow hugs much either.

I don't think you and your T were on the same wavelength in what the hug represented. To you it was a benign sharing of affection for his it represented a breaking of rules. I guess there is no compromise for him. Too bad. It probably would mean a great deal to you, but on the same hand it would take him out of his comfort zone. It is personal to you just like if you suggested for him to go out of his comfort zone and somehow made him feel bad suggesting for him not too he is a bad therapist he would take that personally. He is asking you take his rules as such and move on and you are just trying to get him to see your point. I am not sure he did.

************I guess I didn't write it out right. He totally understood what it was about yesterday's session that brought up the hugging impulse. But I think his experience and training leads him to believe that a hug is often much more than "just" a swift expression of thanks or affection. I don't think he was thinking about the "rules" because he really did want to talk about the feelings and he was surprised at my impulse - it is so not me. So we talked about feeling safe, etc. And it was clear that we could talk about all of it and that didn't mean he was changing his policy - so I wasn't trying to convince him . I just told him it made me sad.

I guess he feels that somehow physical separateness prevents any rules from being broken. I can understand that, but it doesn't necessarily prevents rules from being broken (not a fool proof safe guard). And haven't you and your therapist been together as therapist and therapee a fairly long time, and that is intimacy. (And we all know there are hugs and there are HUGS.) There are perfectly acceptable innocent hugs in which no rules are broken and won't ever be.

*************Yes, we have worked together for a long time. And like I said above, I don't think his policy is only about preventing something, it is a complicated issue. And he might even agree that there are innocent hugs but given his orientation, I suspect that he'd say hugs can have huge symbolic meaning, no matter how they start out or what they mean in the moment. Reflection can change things. And my sadness isn't about the no-hugs rule. It really isn't.

I am sorry you lost your good stuff, I can see how you would. It is hard when the ones that build us can often take the wind out of our sails. Try to hang in there and regain it back.

**************I guess I have to acknowledge that I knew this was going to be a touchy subject and I could have stayed away from it. I have in the past. And I left joking with him and things being OK. I just didn't expect this wash of sadness - the backlash of feeling safe and close and the reality of separateness.

Tell him that you did not breeze through it after all.

***************I probably will but right now this wound feels like it wants to hide. Is this pride? Or is it that this is one of those truths that hurt but you must accept it.

And you are not repulsive, I will fight anyone that makes you think that. I am sorry you feel wounded. I wish I could make you feel better :)

************You are very sweet. I know the repulsive feeling is old and has a lot to do with body image and being over-weight. One of the great things about the net - no one gets judged on whether we are cute or not, stylish or not, etc. I wish I didn't care about that at all - but I'm vain, I admit it. I have a busy weekend so I'll be fine.




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