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Re: No Hugs for me earthmama

Posted by Daisym on March 20, 2008, at 23:36:14

In reply to Re: No Hugs for me, posted by earthmama on March 20, 2008, at 20:40:32

Oh, I'm sorry that you had to end the week with that. I know you "get" that it's his policy, but I still can see why it hurts. You two have a special relationship, and bumping against those limits is painful.

He says he shakes hands with his male clients. So, obviously, touching is not totally out of the question. Would just a touch make you feel better?? My T and I have touched fingertip to fingertip, and it definitely made me feel his "realness". Or does he have a "no touching female clients" policy?

********He has never differentiated between males or females in his discussions with me. I was the one who asked, "do you shake hands with some of your male patients?" Would a touch make me feel better? I don't know. I told him today and in the past that sometimes I really want to hold his hand when I'm feeling small or slipping away. But I can see how that might get scary too. I'm pretty stand-offish and in fact, sit with a kind of pillow barricade around me on the couch.

I guess maybe the tough thing is that you are subject to any kind of "policy" when you've been together for so long. Your T does other things for you that are so special, though. Didn't he leave you a voice mail to listen to if you had a nightmare in the middle of the night? Maybe those are his "hugs" for you.

**************We talked about this too. He speaks of emotional holding and he is really good at it. And I told him that there are lots of things he is flexible about and does for me that other therapists won't do - like phone calls. He asked if most of the people who talk about getting hugs in therapy have female therapists - and I said it seemed about 50/50. That was the only thing that he said that made me think it did have something to do with liability.

I know my T DOES hug clients, and it's sort of torturous for me knowing that it *might* be available - like, in what circumstances? And do I really want that kind of contact? And a million other questions that probably distract me from the "real" things I "should" be thinking about in T. So, there's the other side of the coin, I guess.

****************I can see how this would be torturous. And I talked about this today - about how a hug might be awkward or worse - triggering. Or get to be one of those things that you want more and more frequently.

*I* am sending you a big hug! I know it's not even close to the same thing :) But I hope talking about this will give you some clarity and help you feel better.

***********Thanks for the hug. cyber-hugs are great. And I'm not really lacking clarity on all of this - I have known this policy and accepted it for a long time. The occasional flare ups of wanting contact come from feeling very safe and connected or feeling very scared and dissociated. And I think I understand this sad feeling inside myself. It is the aloneness that reasserts itself - a familiar friend in the darkness. My therapist can't be in my life, nor I in his. But our closeness serves to highlight the emptiness, You know?




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