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T 'gets' it. yikes. insight sexy llurps

Posted by llurpsienoodle on March 11, 2008, at 8:44:44

So I have a common cluster of "symptoms" if you will.

1) trauma history
2) sexual inhibitions
3) fear of men
4) low self-esteem

We were running down this list, as I was free-associating and out of the blue T asks me "do you think of yourself as a sexual predator" I was startled. I asked "what made you SAY that!?!?" He said that it was kind of logical. If I was scared of my own inherent sexuality (i.e. if I feared being a sexual predator- acting on my sexuality) then it would explain this cluster of 1-4 above.

yikes. So I slowly start to see what he's talking about. I dress frumpy. I freak out if guys start flirting with me. I keep impermeable boundaries between me and men, even T and h sometimes. I'm on guard against people thinking of me as sexy. I have to teach myself that I can be sexy and attract that kind of attention without being a sexual "predator" (not like a felon, but more like Sharon Stone)

So I decided. hell with it. I'm going to be sexy and see what happens. What a fun little experiment. Even though I have no plans today I got myself all prettied up (shaved my legs, blowdried my hair and put on cute outfit and even gasp! eyeliner and makeup.

I'm not going to allow my fear of attracting attention undermine my diet (I've lost 8lbs on weightwatchers in one month (whoo hoo!) like it has in the past. I'm not going to wear a cloak of visible blubber to hide my attractiveness. I'm going to wear heels more often, especially as the weather warms.

so THERE. take that! men of the world. Llurpsie is NOT afraid of being an attractive woman. Look at me. I dare you.

okay, so I don't know if I can keep this up, but I have a good feeling about it this time. I'm going to start by dressing nicer and emphasizing my features. I'm going to wear fancier clothes to therapy and allow T to see that I'm an attractive woman (I often wear sweats to my sessions. yikes. Last week I didn't even brush my teeth in the am before I saw him. gross!)

okay enough of this. I'm almost about to write a llurpsielist I'm so excited.






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