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Re: How did it go? DAisym

Posted by earthmama on March 7, 2008, at 6:24:14

In reply to How did it go? (nm) earthmama, posted by DAisym on March 5, 2008, at 19:50:29

Thanks for asking, Daisy :)

It was THE most gut-wrenching, intense, heartbreaking session. I read a book Sunday night after I posted and something in that book totally triggered me. I knew I was upset after reading the book, but wasn't sure why. Monday morning, putting laundry in the dryer, I realized "it's because I know how that feels". That sort of hit me in the gut, but I was okay. Then, in the shower, before I went to T, I had a full-blown panic attack - my first. I was so scared, I realized that I could only breathe if I concentrated and forced myself to, my heart was racing, I was dizzy, thought I was going to pass out and die. My husband has had panic attacks in the past, so I knew intellectually what it was, but I was so scared. It all related to an attack that happened to me years ago - I knew that it happened, I knew WHAT happened, and I knew the beginning and the end of what happened, but couldn't remember the details of the middle. Now I remember :(

SO, I went to T, REALLY shook up, tried to tell him what happened, and had another attack. I can't remember the beginning of the session (but he told me yesterday that the part I can't remember isn't that long), but I do remember him helping me. He talked to me in such a soothing voice, told me I was with him, I was safe, it WASN'T happening now. He got me a cup of cool water and while I held it, talked to me about feeling the cool cup, about seeing the sunshine coming in the window, about hearing his voice. We leaned across the room and touched fingertip to fingertip to I could feel that he was "real", and there. I told him about the middle of what had happened that I remember now :(

So....I guess my topic choice sorted itself out on it's own...

I had T yesterday, but it was really hard for me to stay "in the room" - I just wanted to dissociate, because I was so scared it was going to get even worse than Monday. He worked hard to keep me there with him, and in the end, it felt like such a pointless session. ALL we did was work on me staying in the room.

Now, I'm thinking of quitting T. It's too much to have needs and have someone helping me. I'm not used to it, and it's a total "RUN!" feeling that it brings up. I talked to a friend of mine last night and she convinced me to at least go today and tell him I want to quit. I love my T, and the thought of leaving him hurts, but the thought of staying is scary too. I'm not sure which is worse.

Whew! Thanks for asking, Daisy. Guess I needed to get that off my chest.




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