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Re: Crush on psychologist in training

Posted by sassyfrancesca on March 5, 2008, at 8:03:17

In reply to Re: Crush on psychologist in training sassyfrancesca, posted by estrellita on March 3, 2008, at 14:07:23

> That sounds intensely frustrating. How long has he been your therapist? (I hope this goes through; I responded to everything you said, but I don't see the posting)......Five years.
> The main problem for me in that situation would probably (but how can I really know?) be not that he was my therapist, but that he's married. For me, that is a much more serious boundary than a professional relationship.

Yes, and that is the major reason I do not act on my feelings, although he has tempted, teased, tormented me and led me on.

Can you use that to strengthen your resolve not to cross a specific boundary?

And how does that affect how you, and he, deal with the situation? I cannot answer for him, but for me, it is excruciating; none of my friends can believe I have been able to hold back. He had said: "If I gave you the green light, would you go for it?" He has given me so many green lights, I should be blind.
> It's interesting to me that you say you know all of the "rules and regulations" of therapist/client relationships, yet you begin your post describing a setting which sounds like nothing other than a romantic setting.

I do know the rules and regulations, but he is the one who allows the romantic setting.

I guess I am just curious about how you resolve those two (to me, contradictory) descriptions of the situation you find yourself in.

They are contradictory (well, that depends on what you meaning of that is)....he is a senior therapist, and different t's allow different things; it is up to HIM and him alone to set the tone and boundaries. I can behave any way I want, but HE is the one who is supposed to adhere to the rules, regulations, etc......that is why it is all SO confusing. Come here go away...push me pull me, etc.
> The main thing your post brings up for me is why we willingly continue to place ourselves in situations that are so painful for us.

Because we want to be loved.

And I'm not just thinking of the specific situations we've been describing, but more generally. For example, I have been in love with a friend of mine for 5+ years, and he has never made a commitment or told me that he feels the same way. He'll give me enough to make me feel like a mutual romantic relationship could happen someday, then he'll pull back (to the point of dating, having sex with, etc. other women, and not communicating with me for months on end). I have to ask myself why I continue to believe that someday he'll love me too, and why I let that belief be the reason I justify my tolerance of all the hurt that he causes me in between those brief, blissful moments when it feels like anything could happen.

It is hope that keeps us hooked.
> I think for me, the way I rationalize my tolerance of this ridiculous behavior is by letting myself believe that the possibility of a relationship someday, and the amazing feelings I have during those oh-so-rare moments when he's being loving, are outweighing all of the pain, disappointment, and anger I feel at other times. Feelings of possibility can be so powerful, even when our rational minds tell us that what we want to see as possible is nothing more than teasing that is vastly unlikely to result in what we want it to.
I resonate with that; we are willing to be in pain, because there is some good things that happen. Yes, teasing is sadistic.

> I know I probably sound pessimistic, but your post touched a part of me that is more rational than the rest of me. It made me ask, again, why I insist on remaining in situations where pain far outweighs bliss and where those moments of bliss blind me to this fact.
> As far as my therapist is concerned, I am definitely making progress therapeutically through the CBT exercises, and so far the feelings I have about him are not so strong as to negate what I'm learning in therapy. For you, I'm sure you've asked yourself, but I'm curious as to why you feel it's acceptable to continue to place yourself in a situation that is a continual source of pain for you (with, yes, some pleasure as well). Why is it okay to keep hurting yourself like that?

It isn't okay to keep hurting myself, but i am in love with him (and I know he feels the same), even though he is such a jerk sometimes (LOL) i told him, I would rather be in pain WITH him, that in pain WITHOUT him.
> What he says to you is so contradictory: if he weren't married (but he is!), he'd "go for it," which to me says that he's not going to go for it; on the other hand, he says he'll never abandon you. How could he, when he's not truly with you, or committed to you, in the first place?

He is committed to me (too long to explain here), but not in the romantic sense; he is a man on the edge and all over the place with his feelings for me. He said: "I am torn and confused, scared and conflicted."

> I hope I haven't overstepped in saying any of this; I just see some familiar things in what you describe and it's really got me thinking about why we decide it's okay to put up with situations that we know are detrimental for us.

It isn't okay.
> I wouldn't want to hear it if I were you, but when you describe him he doesn't sound great at all. He sounds like someone who has it both ways - a marriage, and an adoring client who professes her love and desire for him each week. To my mind, he sounds more cowardly than anything else (same as my "friend" I described above) - he isn't making a full commitment to either his wife or to you. We make so many excuses for people when we have strong feelings for them - I've seen it over and over in my life as well as in those of people I know.

I've never made any excuses for him. I do deeply resent that he has his cake and eats it to; perhaps someday I will give him the "speech" I have prepared in my head for a very long time.

> *estrellita
> > Put two mature adults who love to tease and flirt in a room (which is dark, with flowers, candles and music);2 people who have so much in common it is hard to believe. We even have the same rare eye disease, and know 2 different men with such an odd name and they both play the violin. We are alike in oer 30 different ways (I know, I counted.)
> >
> > As he said, "He allowed me to 'see' him"---and he can't go back......
> >
> > I could write a book at what has transpired between us; I do repeat myself; the last thing he said to me: "If I were not married, I would probably go for it."
> >
> > He is in a struggle with his feelings (he said: 'I am torn and confused, scared and conflicted.); we are both so open with each other.
> >
> > He also said: "My colleagues would tell me to run fast and far, but I will never abandon you."
> >
> > He is incredibly ethical one moment, and then teasing me the next....very confusing. I love him; I always will.
> >
> > Francesca
> >
> > P.S. We are both attending a conference in Hawaii; I will be all alone; may meet him at one of the seminars. I know all of the rules and regulations about client/therapist relationships.
> >
> > The heart doesn't have boundaries. I do however, although it kills me.
> >
> > He said: "We are both very restrained people."




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