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Re: Crush on psychologist in training estrellita

Posted by sunnydays on March 2, 2008, at 21:09:14

In reply to Re: Crush on psychologist in training sunnydays, posted by estrellita on March 2, 2008, at 20:38:32

> Thank you for your post, too, sunnydays! I'm curious as to what kind of therapy you're primarily doing with your therapist (see my response to annierose for more about my thoughts on that)?

**** Definitely more psychodynamic, although he is eclectic in his approach as well and brings in other theories/techniques as he thinks they might help.

> I like what your therapist said, and I understand what you mean - whatever feelings I happen to have about a therapist always feel wrong/bad to me. I have this idea that I shouldn't care about them at all. (I realize you felt it was coming to therapy, not the relationship itself, that felt that way.)

**** I get that feeling too. I know people not in therapy wouldn't understand why he is so important to me, and that makes it feel wrong.

It does feel good to realize that it's okay for therapists to be special people to us, even if not in the way we'd choose. Also, how did you feel when your therapist told you he realizes that hour with him is "probably the most important single hour for you in your week"?

**** I loved it. It showed that he really understood me and got me, and by him naming it without me even having to, it showed that it's something that seems totally natural and normal to him and that I don't need to be ashamed of that.

> Thanks for your suggestion about how to change my perspective on the relationship. I have tried to think about it that way, but it hasn't worked. I just think I'm not in a place where I'm able to accept that those boundaries aren't going to change.

**** Then you need to bring it up with your T. His supervisor is there to talk about the techniques he is using with you - not to analyze you as a person. At least try to bring up that there are things you would like to say but that knowing his supervisor sees it makes you feel awkward. And I think that no matter the therapy modality, there is at least some recognition that having a positive therapeutic relationship is beneficial and necessary to the therapy - CBT isn't going to work if the patient feels like the therapist doesn't care about them or feels hostile to the therapist.

I still have this hope, and it seems very real, that at some point I'll be able to start a friendship with him. And the fact that all our sessions are videotaped for him and his supervisor to review later on means I am very unlikely to start any kind of conversation with him again related to my feelings for him, or for my desire for a romantic relationship with an intelligent, handsome, funny, and considerate man.

**** Again, you'll never meet his supervisor (most likely) and his supervisor and he don't discuss you as a person, they discuss the therapy and the techniques. I've been in taped group sessions, and I get that awkwardness a little bit, but I wonder if you really might be having some transference. It doesn't sound like you trust your therapist enough to be able to tell him your feelings and trust that he will respect them, even when not in the room with you, which doesn't sound like the basis for a strong romantic relationship to me. You may want to think about this. It might be that although the feelings FEEL real, they might be a little exaggerated for what you actually know about him. I know that feeling - it's kind of the key idea behind transference - it feels so real that it really is hard to recognize it as anything except reality.

At the time we discussed the letter I wrote him, I definitely got the feeling that he was relieved that the conversation was over.

**** Can you ask him about that? You could be right, or maybe there was something else going on for him.

And there are little things here and there that make me think that in other circumstances he'd be interested in me, too. I think he has his own reasons for not bringing up the therapeutic relationship very often.

**** Yes, probably because he is CBT-oriented, and those therapists are not trained to bring up or work with the relationship. That would be my best guess as to why he wouldn't want to bring it up - I gather that is a strong belief in CBT.





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