Posted by sunnydays on February 20, 2008, at 17:59:04
So I haven't been posting much because it feels weird. Therapy has been up and down lately. We're focusing a lot on our relationship and my reactions to it and to other people in my life. It gets kind of uncomfortable. Last session we talked about all the shame I have around wanting something from someone and about how I feel ashamed to ask for it. It comes from how when I was little, if my mom just knew what I wanted and got it for me it 'proved' she loved me, and I didn't want to ask for something because if she said no it felt like she didn't love me anymore. And how it still feels like if someone says no it means they don't like me anymore, that I am not important enough to do things for, that I am not loved, when I realize that logically there are lots of reasons people say no that have nothing to do with me.
It's a very uncomfortable topic to talk about, especially since I've been wanting a hug from my T so badly and I can't bring myself to ask, even as a hypothetical question (ie, "What would you say if someone you saw happened to ask you for a hug?"). I am pretty sure he would say no, very gently, but no nonetheless, just because of my history, although that also may be my projection onto him since I don't really have a whole lot of info one way or the other. A few times he has put his hand on my upper arm or shoulder when I've been really upset and it's felt really comforting. And I know I would be devastated and hurt if he said no, so I can't bring myself to ask.
Do you think this want is something worth trying to push myself to talk about in therapy, even if it might lead to him saying no? I suppose if it's bothering me it's worth bringing up, and I know he'd handle it well, but I'm kind of scared. So what do I do?