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Flashbacks and Healing - long

Posted by Daisym on February 15, 2008, at 2:25:15

I was surprised by a flashback during my session today. I went in talking about how anxious I was feeling and how there was still this frustration in not knowing what I wanted from him. (my therapist) I told him I wanted to get inside of his head today instead of him in mine. I just wanted to know how he felt about how hard things have been this week and the conversation we had yesterday. I wanted to know if he was worried or worse - as twinleaf suggested - was he disappointed in me that I wasn't handling things better? He said not at all but as we started to explore these feelings I felt my brain shut down - like a garage door closing. I cut him off, went quiet and sat there. Inside my head I knew what was happening and didn't want to talk about it but there was another part thinking, "no, no - I can't just sit here for 30 minutes, the weekend will be awful!"

He sat with me for a few minutes and then said, "where did you go?"
me: "Away."
T: "Can you come back?"
me: "No"
T: "No? Can you tell me where you are?"
me: "There is a big picture - and I feel very small."
T: "It's OK - just tell me about the picture."

So I told him what was happening. He was quiet for a minute and then he said,"do you want to tell him to stop?"
me: (gasp) "stop? like say it out loud?"
T: "Yes. It is OK, I'm here. You can do it. Just tell him to stop."
I was quiet a long time. I finally whispered, "I don't like this. Please stop."
T: "I'm still here. It is OK to not like it and want it to stop. Can you say it again?"
me: "Stop. It hurts."
T: "Stop it. Stop it now. I'm telling him too. He needs to stop hurting you. Can you see yourself somewhere else now? Try to imagine yourself somewhere safe."
me: "I can be in my room."
T: "Can you lock the door?"
me: "No. NO. We are not allowed to lock the door."
T: "It's OK. I'm here. It's OK to lock the door."
me: "And am I locking you out too?"
T: "No, I'm in the room with you. I'm a protector. I'll sit with you while you fall asleep. Is there a chair for me?"
me: "I have a rocking chair."
T: "I like rocking chairs. I'll stay here and just rock. You can feel safe now. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. Do you feel safe?"
me: "yes. But he'll be back. He comes back in the dreams."
T: "I think it is time you took back your dreams. You can be strong and say no in your dreams. And I'll still be with you - still protecting. And you have the talisman and you have >>>> (stuffed animal). You have lots of protectors. Can you rest now and just feel safe?"

And then I cried. Really, really hard. And he stayed with me and told me it was OK to cry - that he knew I was scared about trying something new like this but it was a good scared. And he thanked me for letting him into the flashback and for trusting him. And then gradually he took me out of it.

It was an amazing experience. We talked about the role play and how natural it felt. And also how embarrassing too -- to just go with it like that. He said he thinks the flashback has been coming, which is what the anxiety has been about. I apologized for falling apart and for not catching it and shutting it down. He said he thought it was good that we had the opportunity to work with it like that - even if it wasn't what I "planned" for the session. He wants me to practice saying no before bed - "no, you can't enter my dreams. No you can't hurt me anymore." Even as I know it isn't real, it is still terrifying. My homework is to lock my bedroom door at night. Ugh - this is so much harder than it sounds.

I know this was long. But I wanted to capture it and I wanted to share it. It might seems weird but it felt right. I love my therapist. Sometimes he just gets it exactly right.

 

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poster:Daisym thread:812828
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080210/msgs/812828.html