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Upset with others, or me, or just fear?

Posted by Racer on February 14, 2008, at 12:29:10

Ugh. I'm having a rough week, in a lot of ways, and am supposed to be on an Internet break, but obviously that isn't as easy for me as I would like it to be.

Meanwhile, a couple of things have happened that have left me upset with a lot of people, but I think that's just an expression of my own internal turmoil.

Now I'm feeling as though it's time to add in the potatoes -- this stew is almost finished cooking, you know?

I don't even know what I'm hoping for by posting here, or why I'm doing it. What I want most of all is to go away for a while, get away from my life for a few days, not have to feel these walls closing in on me. It doesn't help that all the things I can think of to help are problematic -- I keep thinking of things I could do, like go shopping, but my agoraphobia means that I can only go shopping pretty far afield from here, so it's not as easy as running to the nearest Nordstom. I have some projects I want to tackle at home, but things keep going wrong -- the drill cr*pp*d out halfway through installing some lower cabinet sliding bins; the wax finish I was planning to use on some new paper drawers was dried out and wouldn't reconstitute; I ran out of sandpaper halfway through sanding some wooden organizers; and I generally feel pretty overwhelmed by all the things I have to get done. And I'm kicking myself for not using my time more wisely -- id est: not staying away from my computer when I could be doing something more productive.

Yesterday something happened with my husband, that left me unreasonably upset with him. I feel like an animal -- what happened frightened me a great deal, so I'm upset with him, even though I know it wasn't his fault. Still, I was so scared, so, the anger is heading in his direction. And I feel guilty about that. I'm feeling a little neglected by a couple of people in my life; I'm feeling frightened that I offended someone I care about over something truly stupid (I was in the ladies' room when the check came, and forgot to ask how much I owed until a few days later, and she's never responded to my question about what I owed or how we'd handle it. Like I said, stupid -- but I'm still frightened, since she hasn't answered that question even though we've spoken since then, that she's offended over it.) It's all stupid little things, but they've added up to hit a sort of critical mass for me, and I just want to run away from home.

Heck, Cirque du Soleil is right up the street, maybe I could run away and join the circus?


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poster:Racer thread:812689
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