Posted by Daisym on February 10, 2008, at 19:48:03
I had an amazingly tough and stressful week - one of the worst I've had in a long time. It was mostly non-therapy stuff - it was life stuff, but of course the stress followed me into sessions. For some reason all this stress has made me think about how hard it was to be a preteen. Slumber parties were torture, all the questions and giggles about sex and boys - I felt exposed all the time, like everyone knew my secrets. And I didn't fit in, ever, with anyone. The more I talked about this, the more upset I felt. It is sooooo painful to remember all of that.
And it has remained painful throughout the weekend. One of the things I'm remembering is that I could actually get comfortable with someone in a private space, but if we were anywhere public, I couldn't handle it. I'm talking boyfriends as well as girls. I don't know why - seems like with my intimacy issues it would be different. But I find this is still somewhat true. I have a harder time being with someone in a public setting than I do in a private one. Makes no sense to me.
And I'm mad at my therapist. Not that he did anything. But I'm mad just the same. Because all of this hurts so much - I want him to either make it stop or move us away from it. I don't care if I need to learn something from it. He'd say I'm in the driver's seat - we talk about what I want to talk about. That doesn't help right now. Because I'm inclined to drive to the nearest bridge and park in an unsafe zone. So don't you think he should take the wheel, at least for a little while?
Is camp comfort snowed in? I think I need to go there...