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Re: New Question for anyone - trigger rskontos

Posted by Daisym on February 4, 2008, at 22:17:39

In reply to Re: New Question for anyone B2chica, posted by rskontos on February 4, 2008, at 16:09:09

I do have flashbacks - although not as bad now. I usually have nightmares instead. I use small amounts of seroquel when they get overwhelming. It flattens me out but helps me sleep.

I felt sad when I read what you wrote about allowing yourself to believe. I actually said that today in therapy. We were revisiting an old memory - the first thing I ever told him and the thing I've always known. It wasn't the worse, or even close to the worse, thing that happened. But for some reason it stuck. I was wondering why that was today, and we talked about the weird way stuff has come up and come together for me. I found myself crying, it is all disjointed and what if I'm wrong and none of this happened? My therapist tried to reassure me that this is how many people remember things - they get jumbled up because of the emotions and young age - you are trying to make sense out of stuff that makes no sense. And he said that the overwhelming sense of confusion is old and part of the memories. It is one of the emotions that was strong at the time - fear, confusion, pain and pleasure get all mixed up. And being told things that conflict with your own internal messages really makes you doubt yourself - "you like this, you made me, I won't tell on you" -- all these things are in direct conflict with the part of the brain that is screaming, "I hate this, I don't want you to, Please tell."

And then add in the adult side that struggles with the incomprehensibility of it -- "how could he? How did it even fit? Where was my mother?" -- these questions make me doubt too. It is an agonizing process.

Once I said, "maybe none of this is true. Maybe it is all just a bad dream - someone else's bad dream." My therapist looked at me and said, "I've witnessed all your pain when you relive some of these events. It is horrific and I wish it wasn't true. But we both know it is. No one would make this stuff up - the retelling has almost killed you. Why would anyone put themselves through this? I'm sorry but you need to know that I can see it is true and I believe you." That was hard to hear but important.

So doubts are normal. Wanting to take it back and put chains on pandora's box is normal. But think about how much you've already done. Do you really want to start over again at some later date? Better to finish what you started now. As hard as this is.




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