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Fighting to Relationship - Again + thanks

Posted by Daisym on February 1, 2008, at 0:36:19

I have been continually reminded this week about Dinah's "fighting to relationship." My therapist admitted to being frustrated with me, I was stuck and then hugely upset about frustrating him. He told me I'm with-holding and making him guess at things. I said he was right but not because I was testing him, but because I was protecting him. He said, "from what?" -- Well, me of course. :(

And he pushed it. Tuesday and Wed - "the behavior is a communication, we need to figure out what you want from me." Hello!! I want you to NOT be mad at me.

Finally, today, we had a whole session that wasn't stuck and we weren't going in circles. He'd say it was because I finally stopped self-editing and let him close to me again. OK, so this might be true. (does he always have to be right?) I also think that we clarified a few things -- that he can care and be protective of the adult-me as much as he cares about the younger parts. Which is a huge relief because I've stuck my toe out there in the single world and I'm terrified I'll end up with someone who hurts me, again.

When I expressed this fear, my therapist said, "then you leave him." Really? Just like that? He said yes. I said, "what if I can't?" He said, "I'll help you. And then go shoot him for hurting you." OK then - I'm good with that. But even though we laughed, it felt good to know that all these things I think I'm supposed to know about relationships and sex and risk - I can admit to not really knowing. Because lately I've become so aware of the damage done in this area - maybe too much to ever overcome. It makes me pretty suicidal when I think about how tainted the future is...which is another thing I couldn't tell him until today.

So even though I'm struggling right now, I feel safer and more connected to my therapist. So I wanted to say Thank you, again, Dinah for that long ago post. It still helps me.




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