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Anxiety over dreams (long)

Posted by Daisym on January 28, 2008, at 23:22:58

I've had almost the same dream almost 4 times in the past 10 days. I'm about 10 years old and I wake up in the middle of the night. I hear someone on the stairs and then coming down the hall. I *know* it is my dad and he is coming for me. I slip out of bed - reach underneath it -- and pull out a gun. I wait by my door and when it opens, I shoot into the dark.

The first time, the person who fell down shot - was me. I jerked awake - the surprise was jarring.

The next three times I had the dream - the person who fell down was my mom. The third time I had a knife, instead of gun but same thing happened.

I had nothing to talk about today in therapy - I was really stuck and closed off. (My therapist said "I feel pretty alone here today - you seem very far away.") He asked me to just say what was coming to mind and the dreams were suddenly there. I said they weren't important - I think they are pretty self explanatory. I'm afraid I'm going to hurt my mom (kill her) if she ever finds out what happened or that I've been talking about all of this.

He said, "I think this is the first dream I've heard about where you tried to protect yourself."
me: "I guess. It was just a dream."
Him: "How did you feel when you found out it was your mother?"
me: "I jerked awake."
him: "No - your dreamself. What did she feel?"
me: (foot bouncing) "Nothing. Scared. I don't really know."
him: "Was she angry?"
me: "I never thought of it as an angry dream." (leg and foot bouncing. Hands wringing.)
him: "Why was your mom coming into your room? She didn't usually do that, did she?"
me: "I don't know. It was just a dream." (Now wiggling, really bouncing and looking out the window.)
him: "You seem anxious. What is it about this discussion that is upsetting?"
me: "nothing. Just dreams. I woke up and went, wow -that was weird. No big deal."
him: "you don't want to discussion this?"
me: "nothing to discuss." (consciously NOT bouncing. looking at the clock.)

We sat in silence for a good 5 minutes. At the very end of the session he said, "Something about this has you freaked out. I think we should try to figure it out but I feel like you've pushed me away and I'm exploring corners by myself. Will you have a big reaction to this after you leave?" I said yes. I could feel the ball of anxiety and I could feel all this anger about to explode. He said, "at me?" I said no. I wanted to say yes. He said, "can you tell me about it?" I said no - it was time to go. He said, "tomorrow?" I said I'd try.

I drove home but don't remember the drive. I know I went to the bank because I have the deposit slip. I watched that new HBO show In Treatment and broke into a cold sweat. Something is happening but I don't know what. This is a vaguely familiar, terrifying feeling.

So - this is a long (long) way of asking for dream help. What is it about these dreams that seems to be leading to a major league freak out?




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