Posted by star008 on December 11, 2007, at 0:12:49
Sometimes I feel so pitiful to myself.. I hate needing my T.. I am 47 years old and yet I need someone to tell me what reality is. How is it that he knows and I don't? How is it that he can tell me what is right and I can't see it for myself?? why do I need him to deal with all these inner kids, (yes, peeps muffies!!).. I don't like needing anyone, I don't like to depend on anyone.. In the end it is only me anyway. Yet, I am all alone.. Kids grew and moved.. I have few friends and don't depnd on family, (they are more screwed up than me!)..I hate thinking that he wil retire someday and I will still be a lost ball in the weeds..damn
I want to be independent.. I want to be able to manage friendships on my own.. I want to be free of the depression that has nearly killed me over the years.. It has stolen everything from me.. It has taken friends away and moved me into isolation. My fault I know.. Who wants to be friends with someone who disappears and doesn't return calls?? then it gets to be so long that I get embarrassed.. No one understands that if I am having trouble being with myself then I don't want to be with anyone else. I never want to do anything cuz I hae no energy and am always tired. Even answering the phone and talking is too much sometimes..So, I chased everyone away and I am all alone.. feeling sorry for myself I guess.. still it feels so bad.. so lonely, but at the same time I don't want anyone around,, Make any sense??
See Muffled?? My nkids are a little more under control than yours are right now, (they didn't used to be), but I am still feeling lost and depressed). No easy way out, no short cuts.. Some people get through things quickly.. Not me..
I need to break out of the isolation but don't know how.. I need to be more self-sufficient but don't know how to do that either..
thanks for listening to me.. Need to vent the garbage heap now and then
poster:star008
thread:800062
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20071204/msgs/800062.html