Posted by muffled on December 9, 2007, at 23:39:30
Does this seem logical?
I been thinking bout my prob with self destruct/self sabotage.
I been thinking maybe its a kid.
I been thinking its an angry kid lashing out in the only way it can, cuz its just a kid and has no power. So its revenging itself on those its angry at, by hurting this body. Cus i think the kid has always known its loved, and if it hurts itself it can hurt others. So a part always tried to protect its family from any of its pain. Some part did anyways, mebbe not this kid. But the angry kid wants to hurt loved ones cuz its angry, very, very angry. But the rest of the body will not allow it to express its hurt. So it hurts itself instead, in ways that don't show. Its very secretive and sneaky and hides stuff SO well. I think naybe it is still powerless and pulling the same stuff.
Now you would think OK, so now I can deal with this, but btwn the constant constant barrage from this kid, and the physical lure of addictions, well, it seems to be very very hard indeed to do the right things.
I think somehow I goto deal with this kid, but my communication w/her is very poor and I don't think she got any use for me at all.
I dunno if she would communicate w/T , I dunno if she would be allowed. I think she would, if allowed. I think she just dying to connect w/someone other than the idiot she considers me to be.
Its SO hard cuz I am not so split and therefore communication is poor. I get so mixed up with who is saying what and why. It almost seems like it changes. There seem to be several I should deal with. But I dunno, maybe I should downplay them in hopes they fade away.
But so far they haven't. They just harass me.
I am SO tired of this.
I get so shy w/T to let her see my peeps(who came up w/that word anyhow!?LOL!). I feel like such a freak to let them actually speak. I can speak for them if she asks questions I guess. That might be OK.
I just feel so STUCK. Not good to go back, scared to go forwards. Just kinda slowly going down a very wrong path thats going to lead to misery, but its a familiar path.
I a big chicken sh*t and scared to go down the right path. Too scared.
I DUNNO what to do.
T tends to try and have me direct the therapy, I rarely do, but she tries. I forget the name of her orientation leanings...mebbe adlerian, humanistic, client centered, CBT stuff, I may be wrong.
I just know she has faithfully stuck by me, and I goto be THE most irritating frustrating client in Tdom. But she just keep being the same, and not hating me, not loathing me, not running away when I try my damndest despite myself to make her run. I scared that she nice to me. I kinda wish I could walk into her office and she would have read emails and know I screwing up, and she would say, "WTF is UP w/YOU man, you GOTTA get your sh*t together, I oughtta kick your *ss..." Now THAT I can understand, but she just is all nice, and that freaks me.
I SO mixed up.
I SO f*ck*ng up.
I have lost T in my head, she not there.
I think I leave a voicemail and mebbe she get it on monday, and say for her to phone me, and if she ask why, I just gonna be dead honest and say I lost her somewhere and just wanted to know she was there. Even if I feel REAL stupid. Cuz kid been around ALOT. And its always hard when she around alot.
Wish me luck and nerve. I seem to be the queen of chickensh*tness this week.
M
poster:muffled
thread:799840
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20071204/msgs/799840.html