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Thanks guys, today I struggle

Posted by muffled on December 5, 2007, at 13:41:10

In reply to Re: Poet, this one is for you.......(((Muffled)))), posted by rskontos on December 5, 2007, at 10:53:03

But it is good to know that I can have good days.
I posted below bout today, so won't do it again here.
But it will do me good to remember the good day.
I will also change my song I am listening to.(Janies got a gun :-( ***TRIGGER SONG**, do not look it up).It used to make me feel powerful this song, now just sad.

So, session:
I was feeling pretty negative thinking bout going to T. I didn't want to go. But I was listening to this religious program on radio and it said act THEN feel (about something entirely diff, but I just seemed to catch that particular line for some reason). So I thot OK, I will hold NO expectations of T, I will just go and hope for the best. THEN I can feel. And y'know it went good!
T was a little late so I went back outside and she phoned me and I said I was just outside, so I went in MP3 blaring in my ears.....and she was on phone :-( so I scuttled back out quick, stayed in hall, round the corner, listening to tunes, and T came and found me. NOT an auspicious start to session!
So we start with Godstuff, and it was kinda cool, cuz the only email I had sent T (WOW, I finally seem to be sending less....) anyhow, only email I sent was a blurb bout what my churchs sermon was about, and her church was closed that Sun cuz of snow, so she REALLY enjoyed to read my stuff and we talked bout it.
We talked bout prodigal son, how he blew all the money his dad gave him, but still his dad was glad to sse him when he came back. Then she said as how God would be glad to welcome me back, just like the dad in the story. Anyhow, it came to be that I saw myself as having retuned to my dad, but I was scared/ashamed to go in. That I was lurking in the bushes. And T says, what if dad is calling you to come in? and I said, I would run away. So T said ITS OK W/GOD THAT I SKULK IN BUSHES! and I can skulk as long as I need to, and when I am ready, God is waiting. So it was huge for me that I don't HAVE to be Godly, I can be scared and thats OK. And skulkings OK too. There's alot to tell with this whole bit but it will take too long to type.
OK religious part OVER!
So some good points:
T said its GOOD that I can't seem to dissociate when I want to cuz its not considered a healthy coping mechanism. She said its good that I am more 'present' in situations, that its a good thing, if hard to deal with. It is a sign of growth.
We went over the reasons I came to therapy, and the things as well that she was trying to achieve with me. And I have improved very well in some sectors.
I now very rarely 'do a runner', where I just make sure hubby is home w/kids, and I take off overnite and do drugs and self injure and do many risky things. I haven't done this in quite a long while.
My self injury is HUGELY improved. I don't often SI anymore.
I have many more coping skills that I never knew existed and can do them without thinking so hard about it. I am becomming more accomplished at coping.
I, for the most part, feel much better bout myself. There are parts that still do not, I goto work on them.
I am much more involved with people, but only up to a point. I still have my 'wall', that noone passes.
I contribute, and I do OK at it. I get lotsa positive remarks from others for the work I do. It makes me feel more competant and good bout myself.
I am MUCH better understanding some things bout myself.
I need to remember and work on negative self talk....
Etc Etc.
But the point of this all is that I communicated pretty well w/T. We affirmed that I am improving, though lately I been struggling pretty bad.
We also kinda had some more clarity regarding where I am at with therapy, and in doing so clarified some things I need to do.
My T carefully steered away from any triggery topics.
We touched and fled from talking of my peeps.
When we talked of knowing myself and how I work, my T mentioned med probs and family stuff, but never said bout the 'other'. Which is so good. Cuz then I just bog down.
So all in all it was so well done. We were pretty focussed on our task and therefore didn't get sidetracked.
Took a long time and was tiring, but T didn't have appt right after me.
So I am glad maybe she feels better, and I do too.
But today I dunno wassup.
But thats just the way its been lately and I doubt it has a whole lot to do w/T yesterday.
Anyhow.
I think review sessions are a good idea, so that we can kinda see that we HAVE moved ahead in a general sense(even if sometimes we fall back)but we moving ahead.
It also helps me to see what is ahead to work on. To see some of the bigger pic.My T smiles and says...well I guess we'll be seeing each other for a bit yet! (ha, ha?!)
Anyhow.
Melencholy muffled today.
Take care all.
M

 

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URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20071204/msgs/798944.html