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Different Take on Integration (long and *csa* trig

Posted by antigua3 on October 4, 2007, at 12:47:46

It took me years to discover that my intense feelings were coming from "little girls" inside who were driving some of my destructive behavior.

I had a young, 4-yr old who was a miserable mess; she contained all the sa and the all the feelings about it. When I discovered her, I hated her and wanted to kill her off. She was like a dirty, messy, disgusting blob on the floor.

The second child was a 9-yr old who was more assertive and powerful. At the time of discovering her, the 9 yr-old rejected the 4 yr-old as so weak and disgusting. The problem was, however, that the 9 yr-old wanted to make moves forward but she couldn't because the 4-yr old controlled the body. The nine year old could be impulsive and I realized she was responsible for much of my self-destructive behavior.

There was a third child, very young (before anything happened, I think), who just peeked out from behind the chairs under the dining room table, just watching w/big bold eyes. She was watching everything, and I knew somehow that she contained my soul before anything happened, and that I had to find a way to save her--she was the important one.

It took me a long time to get the 9-yr old to accept the 4-yr old, even to the point of helping to clean her up, shore her up, and encourage her to speak. (like I said, I hated the 4-yr too and really thought she needed to die; but over time, I came to realize how important she was--she contained my creativity and so many good things, but she was mute. She still is mute, I can't get her to tell us what happened, and I do spend time comforting her. When I find myself buying M&Ms, I know she's the one who wants them!

These were significant ages--my abuse started about 3-5, and my father left the home when I was 9 and the abuse stopped (I think). But the 9-yr old is not as self-possessed as she presents herself. She needs the other two to survive.

So I spent a long time dealing with these girls, basically trying to get the blob off the floor, cleaning her up, comforting her and encouraging her to talk. My T and I worked on this a lot. At first I thought it was silly, until the images of the girls became so clear.

Eventually, the 9-yr old accepted the blob and tried to incorporate her in fun activities, and while sometimes i can see that 4 yr old having fun outside playing, or drawing with the 9 yr old, the block to the feelings underneath is still there.

Sorry to be so long. My point is that I had these three distinct little girls. When I told my pdoc about it, he pushed me into integration (I'm furious that he "tricked" me, when he admitted he did it on purpose). I'm not sure I was ready, but now all the girls reside within me, and i can draw on them as needed, but they are under the control of the adult me. They are inside me and no longer separate entities I viewed as outside my self (outside my sense of responsibility for myself, or what they would do, my pdoc said, and that that I needed to integrate to put the adult in charge so she could deal with impulsive actions, for example, in an adult way).

As much as I hate to admit it, he was right. They are within my control now, but that doesn't mean their feelings don't erupt to the surface and have an effect on my behavior, but now they are tempered and I must admit that I feel safer.

Lately I've been dealing w/another girl--she is pure id; she wants pleasure and the return of the good love and feelings she had with her father. It's interesting, but I've found that my approach with her is to say that those pleasures or feelings can never be felt again (like the heroin addict can never capture that first high) and while she wants what she wants, it's like telling one of my children when they were young, that there are just some things we can't have and we have to learn to accept this (to let go, in my case) and move on. I was surprised at her strength, but I think she's the core of my idealized love of my father that I've been working so hard to deal with.

So, integration can work in many ways. As I said, it may have been too early for me, but it has worked out pretty well.

Just a different take.
antigua


 

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poster:antigua3 thread:786857
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