Posted by Dory on September 17, 2007, at 18:18:06
today's session was going slow, but things were ok, nothing exciting or eye popping. We talked some about the ongoing call and list issue... and some about the past work we did last week. It was right around then that things changed...rapidly.
i can't explain how it happened or exactly what was going on for me, but i got extremely quiet... not just in the verbal sense, but my whole being. He was talking for a while at the time, so i wasn't even talking when it happened. But he noticed pretty quickly that something was very, very different. He asked me about it and what i was feeling. i floundered and struggled to explain and find a link... a reason for the sudden change.. i blubbered on about this thing and that for a while, but i had to tell him i just didn't know.. i couldn't explain. i just felt empty and somewhat sad. i was speaking low, very quietly, less able to meet his gaze but not feeling afraid.
he handled it all beautifully... when he saw the change he changed his tone and body language.. he spoke more softly.
i think now we lost an opportunity though.. after a lot of thought on it afterwards, and regaining my ability to process and express, i think what happened was that he got to meet me.. the quiet me, the shy me. WHen i am like that i am unable to analyze as well, and i am not as able to express what i feel... everything feels too loud and too empty all at once. i wish i had understood while i was there.
my big "production" i put on for people, the "dory show" as my pdoc calls it... it stopped dead. i don't know what brought this about. It is SO rare for that to happen around another person, and without any provocation. It happened once before with T but it was because i was very upset and so i pulled everything in and stopped the "show." The change is dramatic.
this is scary... on one hand it could be a sign that something in me trusts him more... on the other it means that sometimes i am going to shift gears and "expose" myself whether i want to or not! One big problem with doing that is that he is going to want to do stuff to me.. mess with my head. He's going to want to pull parts out. He's going to hurt me.
i feel sad. so deeply sad and afraid.
poster:Dory
thread:783553
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070916/msgs/783553.html