Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on August 30, 2007, at 18:14:27
I spent a lot of time with my last T talking about my family in all of its f*ckupedness. I got a lot of things sorted out in my mind, including the fact that little llurpsie was abused by dad, subjected to the ongoing violence of her parent's abusive relationship, and then abused by bro as an adolescent.
I never told my T this stuff though. I kind of gave him a few paradigmatic examples. Recited dispassionately, since I've already "reprocessed" them, or whatever velveeta cheese metaphor psychologists think of next. Maybe I recited them with such flat affect because I was dissociating. yep. that happened too. GOT a BIG dissociation episode but kept on talking, although, there was a minute of silence and lala land during one session. T said he thought I might be having some problems staying present (um? you think?)
There was one session of these dispassionate "here's a review of Llurpsie's therapy history" in which I told him some horrible episode and then said "but I don't feel it. shrug. I can't feel it at all. Means nothing to me, because there's no emotions there" and then T paused and said "it's okay, Llurpsie, because *I* can feel it" ((((t)))) that was a really cool thing to say.
So, now I find that my immediate stressors (i.e. lack of employment and lack of intellectual and social stimulation) are behind me. I'm able to get out there and do things that I couldn't have even dreamed of a month ago.
I feel the old stuff is pressing again, but I don't WANT to deal with it. I just want things to continue on their merry way. I ask T for employment advice, or where I should work out, or ways to get out of the house, ways to reconnect with h. But it's time.
I know it's time because I heard a few words today that made me tune out for a minute. I'm getting better at pulling myself out of the dissociation, and preparing myself adequately for the types of things that likely trigger me. Stronger Llurpsie. Still, kids movies make me lose it. Contemplating abuse or violence makes me lose it. At least I'm no longer reliving it in 4-d technicolor flashbacks though. Thank GOD for antipsychotics.
I wonder if the drugs are helping me or hindering my self-exploration.
I think it's time for me to start preparing for the next phase of therapy. That means journalling. Reflecting upon the denied past. not wearing mascara to sessions.
*******
ENOUGH (or enuf, a la muffled) of my silly rambling. Is it dumb to try to steer therapy like I think I may be doing? Well, my T has enough experience to steer me back if I go too far, but... I don't wanna make myself crazy.-Ll
poster:LlurpsieNoodle
thread:779801
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070822/msgs/779801.html