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Re: are handshakes goodbye wih t acceptable? widget

Posted by honore on August 29, 2007, at 10:12:37

In reply to are handshakes goodbye wih t acceptable?, posted by widget on August 29, 2007, at 1:52:31

It's hard to know whether a handshake truly would give you the closure you seek, or whether it wouldn't become a moment fraught with all sorts of covert and obsessive possible meanings. I wonder if you wouldn't begin to focus on it, and interpret the small differences in the way your T shook your hand-- worrying that if he was hesitant seeming, he was angry, or hoping, that if he held your hand harder, he was beginning to be attracted, or well-- many other things.

For that reason, it might be better to keep the no touching rule in place, because in the end, it wouldn't comfort you, but really torment you more.

My T has the same rule, although I need a lot of different and careful rituals around the end of appointments-- like a sense of moving toward the ending in steps and with awareness of how much time is left-- in order to feel that it isn't an abrupt cutting off-- Maybe some sort of ritual or saying goodbye, without touching, could help you have the sense of closure, or the certainty of the continuity with the next time.

I don't know what the touching and the admission of love means to you, or is necessary for-- other than to assure you of being special-- but maybe it stands for the other person's not disappearing, for a solidifying of the connection and a promise of its permanence and importance, that otherwise feels missing to you.

These are things that can be worked on, and feelings that can be slowly developed, even without touching and without romantic love. I'm sure you've talked a lot about why the romantic aspect of love is so important. I wonder, though, if you talk about when it feels most important-- and why at those times? My T would always ask that-- and of course it would always frustrate me-- why is it so important right now? And there were reasons why it became more pressing at times-- even if I didn't like to admit it.

There were times when it didn't seem as though it mattered as much-- and times when it suddenly became like a crucial issue without which nothing else mattered. (This still happens at times, but much less often.)

So I think there's a lot of reason to believe that you can be special to your T without his feeling romantic love for you, or being willing to act it out-- or without his feeling that it's in your best interest (or his) to have any touch, even a casual handshake. (And do you really believe that any contact with him would be casual, after all?) I think that's what you might need to think about-- whether you may not be special, and important, despite the limitations.

Honore


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