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Re: hate this transference stuff DAisym

Posted by RealMe on August 24, 2007, at 21:42:20

In reply to Re: still stuck in 'transference' with therapist, posted by DAisym on August 24, 2007, at 17:09:20

Therapy today, and I wrote a letter to my T earlier this week and read part of it to him. I could not read the rest as it had to do with all the abuse stuff and later, and he wanted to know if he could have it to read. So, I gave it to him, and he said he would read it and we could discuss it on Friday.

I am so confused about him. He seems kind and caring, and yet he will not say anything about how he feels about me. I guess I should expect it. But then he said a couple of weeks ago when I pointed out he was shorting me time that maybe there was stuff that was more than he knew how to handle with me but we would work through it together. I had said I did not want to make him feel traumatized. So, now today he tells me that he has seen and heard lots of horrible things, and there is nothing that I can say that will traumatize him. I know he has worked with holocaust survivors, and so I am sure he has heard really horrible stuff.

Anyway he tells me how he knows it is hard to talk about stuff and that at first what we talk about will bleed over after I leave, but after a time I will be able to leave things there and not dwell on them after I leave the office, that it will be contained there. Okay. But I see him before I go to work, and so I can't afford to have this stuff "bleed over" into my job as it did today. I was exhausted and could barely function.

I think about how much I like him, and then he says stuff that pisses me off. He said he admires my courage because I talked about some stuff today that was really hard and has to do sort of with csa, not exactly but related as it was later in life. I think to myself that is nice, I guess. Then I ask as I am leaving if he thinks I am a terrible person, and he said no. I wish he had just left it there, but he had to say, "you're just a person."

So I started to think about that after I left as I used to think I was a piece of sh*t but came to believe I am a good person, a caring person, and a decent person. But here he is saying I am just a person. I felt so hurt and angry. I don't think he probably meant I am just a person, but maybe he did. So I sent him an email and said something to the effect, "You are right; I am just a person; I am not a bad person, and I am not a good person; I am just a person as you said; I am a person who just exists (which is how I feel--that I just exist anymore), and I said I hated the just a person who just exists; what is the point of living if that is what it is.

Now I am just plain angry, and I feel like I just want to quit therapy altogether. He said I would have all sorts of feelings for him, and I know that is true, but what I feel now is more painful than what I talked about today in therapy. I want to tell him how much it hurts when he makes comments like that and how I couldn't do my work to day and had to cancel an appointment and reschedule it for another time and also take work home with me to do because I was just so exhausted, I wanted to go home and sleep. And I just couldn't focus on work. Now this will bug me until Tuesday.

I wish I would not let his comments bother me so much. I want to tell him he is released from any obligation he feels to continue seeing me as I start to think he maybe thinks that he made a mistake deciding to work with me. Maybe he doesn't even like me. No, he did say that he does not dislike me. Why would it be so awful to say he likes me? Well maybe he is just neutral about me. It has seemed like he likes me when he laughs about stuff like my faces or like today when he said something about what I wrote and I forgot that part, and he laughed and said something about "undoing" meaning as a defense and that I could not get away with it. I think he likes the fact that I don't have my defenses up and am so transparent sometimes. But it is so painful. I think I would rather get my defenses up for when I see him. This 6:45 a.m crap is for the birds. So, here I am just a person. What is that supposed to mean? Sorry for going on and on, but it really hurts.

RealMe (Oz)


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