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Re: i think one of my inner kids..**TRIGGER** B2chica

Posted by muffled on August 23, 2007, at 13:10:53

In reply to i think one of my inner kids..**TRIGGER**, posted by B2chica on August 23, 2007, at 11:40:35

> i think one of my inner kids
> wants to kill me.

*well, thats entirely possible, my son says to my dotter, I'm gonna kill you, and he half means it, but not really...
But what I am trying to say, and I do NOT know that this is the case, but its something i have struggled with, is the fact that my internal kids ARE kids, and behave and experience life as a kid. Its very weird to me, but over and over and over again, its proven to be the case, and has helped HUGELY in me understanding them and how/why they react to things the way they do. This is my experience. I can't say for you. But it could be some hysteria on the part of a kid...

> i've been having S thoughts. i'm kinda down...but it's the intrusive negative thoughts that are really getting to me.

**Sigh, they can be awfully consuming at times...esp when I tired or stressed.
When I took seroquel it helped with all the emotional lability and kinda calmed things, but gave me wicked munchies, so I don't take it unless i'm desprate, and then usus only for a few days to get me over a bad patch.
I guess what I try and do, is figger out WHO it is thats upset and why (no easy task...) and sometimes it can help.
Bizzarrely enuf (to me anyways) I do have a part that just loves to pitch in and try and help w/internal turmoil, and she sometimes does. I have NO idea how this works, or what she does, because I have no sense of it, it goes on beyond my ability to know.

> it's not even that i feel bad enough to want to end my life...but it's almost like i have someone in my head saying...'you must do it', you need to die', 'you've GOT to end it!'

**Hmmm. Does sound like someones a little freaked. Sigh, I call my one of those TOWWTD (the one who wants to die), and she can be quite noisy, but so far I have been able(or WE have been able, to keep under wraps. For me, its more hysteria for her, and my only fear is that she would impulsively hurt us somehow one time.

> i don't feel it warrants a hospital visit as i feel i have control enough yet to NOT act on these thoughts...but they hurt.

**yeah, it tiring to deal with. Like I say, there may be a med you can take to calm this down when it happens, and with being in T, it may well happen sometimes...
> they started off REALLY strong this morning and here at work it's a little better cuz i can distract, but ANYtime there is a lull in work wham...there they are.

**yup. Guess you can try to tell her that its OK. Doesn't work for me, but who knows. If you have someone inside who is helpful potentially, you could try and enlist their help. I guess tranquilizers 'might ' help, I dunno. For me the seroquel calms things down. I'm sorry i'm not much help here, mine is just so hysterical I just can't reach her, but it does help me to know that shes a freaked out kid, and that I DO seem to be able to override her hysteria. But it sucks, yup, it surely can be consuming, but I bet she will calm down eventually. Sometimes a calm phone message from my T helps...then we can listen to it over and over as neccessary. Actually speaking to my T makes me nervous, but the messages are nice.
> last week...or wait this week...whenever, at therapy my teen came out for the first time. i'm guessing these feelings are kind of a left over, or overflow from that???
> i don't know.

**yup, somebodys freaked. It has been very confusing to me all this stuff, and the various reactions to things. My best asset has been journaling to try and sort things out. I find I can even communicate w/others somewhat thru writing.
> but my call out is for help...advice. i'm not sure what i need to do.

**I'm sorry, I have no clear cut answers, but it does get easier. Just try to accept the others, hear them and accept them. Treat them and respond to them according to their age and you will have much better success. My ikid, we initially fought like cats and dogs, we totally didn't understand one another, but now she is my helper and a great kid, go figger.

> i mean normally thinking of my little girl helps but even this morning it was like she's further and further away in my mind. that these thoughts are taking up most of my mind and discarding all my normal 'helplers'.

**S'ok B2, my irl kids get the back burner too sometimes, thats why we trying to sort stuff out, so that this don't happen so much. Don't mean I love them any less, though mebbe it feels like it, but it just means I got work to do in dealing with 'stuff'.

> i don't really want to call my T cuz i don't feel like its a 911 kind of thing.

**And it may well not be. I can't know. Its gonna be your call, but if it does seem to be getting out of control and/or esp if you feel your getting very dissociated, then its best to call T to get her to help you get a handle on whats happeneing and see if you need to take further action, and/or consider some meds.Just when you call, you need to make it very clear that you are in alot of distress, sometimes thats very hard to do when dissociated. Maybe you can write a script ahead, and/or have a code word thats easy to remember that will alert your T that you are in trouble. Its a good backup thot.
I think you will be fine. I think its a part thats upset, and having emotions, and its distressing when these emots come seemingly out of the blue, cuz they are comming from a diff part.
Be safe B2, try not to let her bug you too much, try and be nice to all of you.
((B2)) hugs if you want them.
> but i am getting more and more scared.
> can i have some advice please
> b2c.

**Like I said, having a plan w/T to contact her with a code word can be very comforting. Also T message to listen to. You already have awareness of parts and when you getting dissociated badly, so you got good tools.
You'll do OK B2.
Take care,
I'm glad your asking for help, thats a good thing to.




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