Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 25, 2007, at 7:57:33
In reply to Re: Meds and how you feel » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by OzLand on July 24, 2007, at 23:34:03
> I'm wondering if you can contact your old pdoc, or would this person not want to say anything given you are with someone else? If you described the amount of all your med's, I wonder if he or she would say anything. Perhaps not as it could be perceived as you playing one doctor against the other. Oh well; a thought, but if you are drinking lots of coffee, then it obvioulsy is too much, and you are doing things to negate the effectiveness of the medication. That only seems like it is too much. That's my thought anyway. Maybe I am not so compliant, but I know what I would be doing.
*****there are some serious self-injury suicide triggers below*****beware all ye who enter here****
Old pdoc told me to send him an email every now and then, just to check in and make sure that my life is ticking along. I doubt this is the kind of consultation he had in mind. I have boundaries in my head. high walls, see?I have a little plan. I will ask pdoc if I can either 1) decrease geodon (NOT likely) 2) increase provigil (reasoning: I'm already taking in about 500mg of caffeine a day and still in quasi-zombie state) 3) decrease geodon while increasing klonopin (concern being that simply increasing klonopin would make me comatose. I actually DO have some things to do, related to writing some manuscript for publication and ongoing experiments, believe it or not.)
And my compliance comes from my (often blind) faith that pdockery will make me better. It has so often in the past. I don't want to burn that bridge of optimism. I schluck my pills everymorning with the glimmer of hope... today will be better. today will be better.
And it's not. I just lay in bed for an hour with active plots in my head and sudden realization of a sharp instrument overlooked. And THAT was reassuring. Yesterday was the first day that I actually self-injured with the intention of drawing serious amounts of blood. went near my big elbow vein. I got a giant vein there. but my instrument was too dull. But I don't want to go to the hospital. I can't bring myself to call T or pdoc. I just want to bleed and then slap a bandaid on it and call it a day of accomplishment. Sick.
And the only thing keeping me through the day is the intellectual and social stimulation of pbabble. and perhaps a walk to the pond later on. No appetite. I bet I flunk the CES-D in the 50's again. that might kill some time. Why not try THAT.
oh well. (eyeore shrug)
0Ll
poster:LlurpsieNoodle
thread:771145
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070714/msgs/771845.html