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Re: Update on pdoc » DAisym

Posted by antigua3 on July 18, 2007, at 14:48:51

In reply to Re: Update on pdoc » antigua3, posted by DAisym on July 18, 2007, at 13:25:09

I never want you to back off, Daisy, because you always point out something I need to think about.

"Somehow I miss seeing how he is defending you father, when he clearly says it was his failing - but obviously I didn't hear the whole conversation"

I felt like my pdoc was defending him by saying his faults were reason enough for me to accept the abuse, and therefore it wasn't so bad, etc., which sends me into a spiral of denial that anything did happen.

I guess I was the one defending my father, not him. I can't seem to accept or deal with the horror and/or anger of it. And the fear.

I pretend "Why" doesn't bother me, because I know enough about my father's past that I understand what a disturbed person he was. But you know what? I'm not over feeling like it's my fault, that if I had been important enough to him, he would never have done it. Does that make any sense?

What a mess I am. I think way too much, and rationalize, but never get close enough to the feelings.

It's too hot here to sit on the deck, but my husband's pond with the fish is in the shade so we could sit there and cry together (not that I want you to cry!). That's what I feel like, if I'm honest with myself, that just a little inkling of how horrible he was is sinking into my consciousness, and on some level it's a reflection of my own self-worth. Wrong, I know.

take care,
antigua

 

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