Posted by 10derheart on July 4, 2007, at 11:33:48
In reply to Re: I hate being angry with my T :-( » 10derHeart, posted by DAisym on July 2, 2007, at 1:36:22
>Is it the security of the connection when it is strong? Or is it the lack of opportunity to "fix" it, until some future scheduled time?
Great questions. It seems mostly it's the second one, especially this time. It feels like I absolutely cannot tolerate another hour of wondering, another day of not talking to him, without just falling apart. But then again, it's both, because when I feel frantic that we must fix this right now - I feel the security of the connection is severed.
And the crazy thing is, I *know* most of this - in some cases ALL of this is me creating a catastrophe when one doesn't exist. I project all kinds of things (this time, in my 2:30 am email I mentioned my thoughts he hates me and wants to get rid of me because this issue with the phone calls is "wrong" and "goes too far")all over him, and am convinced they must be true. For evidence, I use a day or two with an email unanswered, or a voice mail that doesn't sound right or give me exactly what I need. Those things "prove" he's angry, fed up, and about to give me some version of a termination speech. When I'm outside of the incident, it all sounds silly. When I'm inside that fear, it not only sounds completely possible, it becomes my reality.
> I would be upset too, if this happened to me. And while I do know that there are unusual circumstances that crop up, I also know that understanding this and feeling OK about it, are two different things.
No kidding. Thanks for understanding that so well.
>And cleary the end of the session must resonate deeply with you -- his "real" life calls and you are immediately done and forgotten. My own interpretation, and issues, I know but how could you not feel that way, knowing it was his son on the phone?
well, if it's your own interpretation and issues, we clearly have some of the same issues and interpretations...:-) Daisy, that's it in a nutshell, so much so I have to quote you when I see him later this week. That idea, crashing in on me unexpectedly (believe me, he's *never* done anything in the past that comes close to holding the cell in his hand with a family member on the other end [not on hold, even] while saying goodbye to me!)was surely the thing that triggered me so severely I could hardly sleep, eat, concentrate or stand 'being,' since that day. And this he recognizes as something possibly huge, so I've been asked to help him understand why this was so awful for me.....oh, this isn't good because there will be so many tears and if he doesn't get his part just right.....
> I know you have a strong relationship and can and will repair this. But it stinks in the meantime. I'm glad you've been busy to make the time go faster.
I know. It just feels so out of control, and then sometimes when the adult completely takes over, so damned ridiculous, it's hard to manage. Thank God for Babble and Babblers.