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Changing things...

Posted by twinleaf on June 21, 2007, at 18:50:23

In reply to Re: letter to 'mother'...***TRIGGER*** » B2chica, posted by Happyflower on June 21, 2007, at 17:25:35

My mother was often absent, and also had a lot of trouble showing affection with my brothers and me. At times she seemed jealous and angry, too. For me, the BEST thing that ever happened was becoming a mother myself. I really tried hard to be present, loving and connected- and the thought kept flashing into my mind- especially when they were babies, "you're really mothering yourself when you are doing it for them!" It was wonderful-that empty space finally getting filled up- at least partially- not to mention the sense of growing personally.

I do think adolescence presents special challenges- for our kids and us. They need to begin moving away, but they suddenly need us a lot, too- sometimes both things within a few minutes!. There were lots of the tougher emotions- anger especially- than when they were children. But I can say that everyone survives, and things do calm down. I now have one son in his late 20's- independent and successful. Sometimes he will still suddenly almost sit in my lap, which is very challenging, as he is 6'5"! It seems like a sudden welling up of old childhood feelings on his part, just for a moment. If I give a big hug, it's over. More interesting is what kind of relationship one can develop with a grown child. You still love them so much, but they are learning so many things, and having life experiences which you will never have, or even know very much about. So I do think becoming friends, and respecting their hard-won independence is important. But you still always want to have moments of intimacy and sharing- at least I certainly do. This may be easier with daughters than it is with sons. But I'm hanging in there.

 

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