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Re: ****suicide discussion thread***** » DAisym

Posted by gazo on May 31, 2007, at 21:44:35

In reply to Re: ****suicide discussion thread*****, posted by DAisym on May 31, 2007, at 21:14:25

i do know this place, and i was very struck by you're saying how you feel follish for crying wolf.. i get that exact feeling.

i don't think these thoughts and feelings ever can go away for me. i think they have been woven into the fabric that is me now. The BP stitched it in extra well. Which is a big point for me i guess... the BP. i know depressions *generally* lift eventually and in most healthy individuals they will lift. But for Bpers depression can stay around as low grade for years - yes years. Or, like is more my case, i get the vanilla depression off and on and then every so often i get double extra fudge deep depression. And it ***will*** come back... again and again. Meds help lessen it, help stave it off, lengthen the time free of it... but it always comes back eventually.

every time i have an episode a little more of my brain gives into it. Nice thought eh?

so..? is it surprising then, based on this issue alone that one would consider ending one's own life? Imagine a lifetime of knowing the deepest pain was waiting for you. Not to mention of course the side effects of BP, as in loss of work, family, addiction etc etc ect. i had a life insurance policy once... it cost double because BPers kill themselves more than 20% then the regular population.

contrast it with the hypomania... the world becomes the most intense place, colour is brighter and everything seems possible. Reality is a stark and bitter mockery of what hypomania feels like.

Daisy, why do you think about it though? Is it a desire to escape? Is it a solution? Would you think those thoughts if you could change life around you? I mean, if you could make the world be how you'd like it to be, your world, would you still think about it? i would. i know i would.

i will look for that book. Suicidality interests me. i just read "the suicidal mind" which was moderately informative. His info about suicide notes was interesting, only about half left a note but there are very common factors in them. He did a study which compared 700 actual notes to ones test subjects wrote.

when i am at my worst, i feel very much like i am alone in the universe.. everyone and everything else is on the other side of a sheet of glass and there is no way to make contact. i wrote about being on a cliff edge with the wind whipping around me... that is how i feel.

i have spoken here of overdosing and it has always been my foremost plan. But lately i am less drawn to that. i have noticed a growing anger and intensity in me.. a culmination of something. i think now that were i to chose to leave this world i would chose something more befitting that feeling.

i am sorry you know this place, if you wish you did not.. i am sorry for the pain it causes you. But you don't need to feel sorry for me. i know this place so well i don't feel sad to know it really.. i think of it as being interesting to explore the darkness to better understand the light. Life is nothing without death, the two are one. That is why determining one's own death fascinates me


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poster:gazo thread:760660
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