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going backwards- gazo and sunnydays

Posted by peddidle on May 8, 2007, at 18:36:37

I decided to make a new thread, so as not to distract attention from sunnydays' topic. I think the whole "going backwards" issue deserves it's own thread anyway. Also, thanks for the reassurance gazo, it was especially needed today.

My T told me that she feels like if I keep getting worse, that maybe she is "blowing it here". That one statement made me feel terrible. I know what she meant, and I think she was just feeding off my own frustration and stuff, but it still felt like I'd let her down. I may be getting worse, but I have never felt so comfortable with a therapist in my life. It's like I feel comfortable enough to allow myself to show her when I'm getting worse. I wish I had the courage to tell her that, because I think that, in and of itself, is improvement.

Oh, no, now I'm feeling all sentimental... Who knows, I may end up sending her an email later tonight about that (I hate how it's easier for me to communicate through email).

On some level though, I feel like I may be either making myself worse, or pretending like I'm worse. Today was my last session until late August/early September... my T isn't thrilled about me not being in therapy all summer, so I agreed to set-up a weekly phone call with her. I'm glad I'll still be in touch with her on a regular basis over the summer, but I can't help but feel like maybe, subconsciously, I manipulated her into it. I did something kind of bad to myself a few times, and I told her I didn't know why I did it. After asking about several different reasons why I might have done it, she asked me if I did it to freak her out before I left for the summer. Of course, I told her I didn't, but I truly believe that that's not why I did it. I have to admit though, it felt kind of good in a strange way when she had difficulty finding the exactly the right words to tell me that she would be completely devastated if anything happened to me. Even though she's said it several times before, it just felt good to know that she genuinely cares about me, and that I'm not just another client on her list.

 

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poster:peddidle thread:756892
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