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Re: ......sigh..... transference » LittleGirlLost

Posted by littleone on April 18, 2007, at 21:35:33

In reply to Re: ......sigh..... transference » littleone, posted by LittleGirlLost on April 17, 2007, at 21:19:33

>>**I feel horrible admitting to feeling that way, but thank you for saying it's not bad, or more importantly, that I'm not bad.

It’s never bad to feel a feeling. It’s how you act on that feeling and what you do with it that counts. You’re not bad for feeling those things. And it’s good that you are able to admit to those feelings.

>> Sad isn't it, that the basic need(s) of a child go unmet and now we have to give it to ourselves?!

Yes, incredibly sad :(

>>However, I think first I have to work up to believing I am worthy of anyone's caring.

I’m not sure about this one, it probably depends on exactly what you are meaning here. I know that for me I had to see and believe my T’s caring for me. It was very hard for me to see things – like I had blinkers on. There have been some very basic things that my T has had to explicity state before I could see them, eg the fact that he accepted me and things I said, the fact that he was building safety, the fact that all his actions over time prove his commitment and caring (rather than just looking at the most recent action/interaction).

Once I could see and believe his caring, I was able to start to accept and nurture myself.

The part I don’t agree with (although I’m not sure if it is what you’re saying or not) is that we need to believe we are worthy of other people’s caring (ie people other than our T’s) before we can move forward.

Once we can feel our T’s acceptance, I think that we need to learn to accept ourselves before other people will accept us (or we can accept their acceptance, if that makes sense). I think that if I felt my T’s acceptance and then went out into the world trying to be accepted by other people, it wouldn’t work. Because *I* still wouldn’t accept *me*. And because *I* don’t accept me, I can’t possibly believe that they would.

For me, I only started to feel worthy of caring once I started to accept and nurture myself. Once I started to have some compassion for myself. But like I said, that could only come after I was able to see and believe my T’s caring and acceptance.

>>**It's hard, but I think I'm at a place where I don't want to feel as bad this week as I did last week, and in order for that to happen, maybe I need to let her in a little more? I just have a hard time talking about (and admitting to) feelings. I mean I still have a hard time with the separation anxiety each week, but I know there are many other feelings involved most of which come from the place of the little girl at various ages/stages. Maybe if I can allow her feelings to be expressed things would ease up for me?

I think this is a very good idea. Pushing her down really does make things worse. If you let her say/write/draw what she needs to, it really does help. And if you find it hard to face the feelings and let them in, just keep trying. Keep trying over and over. Try not to beat yourself up. It does become easier to face the feelings after a while.

Re talking about and admitting to feelings (I’m guessing you mean talking to your T about them?), remember that growth comes through risk. You need to take risks to grow. They don’t have to be huge risks. Just little baby step risks. Like maybe if you try to tell your T one feeling you’re feeling during a session. Then if that goes okay you can take another step forward. Try and remember how safe and consistent your T has been. You can trust her to handle your baby step gently.

>>Then again, I walk into her office and it's like giving a baby a pacifier... all my worries escape me, this is what I've been waiting for, and all's right in the world once again.

Does your T know this? I think it is very important that she is aware of this.

>>** For me, right now it's something I cannot even imagine; things are so hard to look at and accept. But I also think it's time I stop fighting myself and just let things unfold; I can trust T.

That sounds like very good advice :) You *can* trust her. It *is* hard to stop pushing things away and instead just let them come and unfold. But it is worth all the effort in the end. Your T will hold your hand and guide you along.

 

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