Posted by zenhussy on April 18, 2007, at 19:43:13
In reply to Re: Group Update, posted by Daisym on April 5, 2007, at 0:28:16
wow that coffee took a long time. seems that there are limited windows of clarity to certain ways of thinking and that window passed. gonna attempt a little this evening now....
>>> So I reread all your posts and then I screwed up my courage and when it was my turn tonight I said, "I want to talk about how I'm feeling invisible in here." Our therapist was obviously surprised, but she really worked with me to try to get a picture of what I was saying. It is a hard thing to articulate without it sounding like, "you never pay attention to me" which isn't what I meant at all.<<<
that is super fantastic you spoke up and articulated feeling invisible in group. well done!
>>> It made me cry to hear the responses. I was right, they really did/do see me as super-together and competent. One of the group members said, "you are so hard to read, I never know what you are thinking. You always look so calm." Another said she really didn't know that I needed them or that I was in so much pain. She said, "I know why you are here and that it is hard for you to talk about your memories, but I don't think of you as needing our support for your life." I said I needed their support for my healing.<<<
hard to hear perhaps but eye opening to now know how others, in your support group, view you and your support needs. now that it is out there have things changed any?
>>> I said I knew this was a pattern of mine - making myself invisible by being "fine"-- but I didn't want to do this anymore. I guess I'm trying to learn what Zen has learned - ask for help and let people listen. It is really hard. I'm so much better at fixing them. <<<
sure, easy to take care of the biz of others as it doesn't (directly most times) involve our own stuff. that's the rationale used when dodging our own work and own stuff. sigh. good to recognize the wanting to fix others instead of you...now you can continue on working on you!
>>> Interestingly, but not surprisingly, the group therapist talked about what she did and didn't do last week. She got it wrong, she said she didn't extend an invitation to me to talk, but she did, at the very end. It was framed as, "you are awfully quiet tonight." I didn't argue with her though. She seemed a little bit defensive while trying not to be. She offered to help me enter into conversations if I can figure out how to indicate that I'd like to do that. So I'll think about that. <<<
argh...frustrating to know what you wish to express not have it mirrored back to know the point got home. do think about ways to indicate your wishes to join in...especially when you most need to and least think you're able to.
>>> And at the end, everyone told me how brave I was, how they could never have been so vulnerable with their needs and how good it was that we all talked about this. Blah. Isn't that just what I didn't want to hear? I mean, yeah, I'm glad they didn't all get mad at me for bringing it up. But isn't this kind of still the original problem? They think I did the right thing - the hard thing that no one ever wants to do or actually does -- so I'm great. I'm an overachiever, again.<<<
amazing how much we can beat the crud outta ourselves over POSITIVE attention or compliments but it is true for so many here on this board and IRL.
keep remebering that you're in group for your needs, for your learning, for your exposure to different ways of interaction in the context of a support group for survivors. you have rights and needs and your going to group isn't to facilitate the healing of the other members....it is to facilitate YOUR HEALING.
sorry if that's the harsh way of saying that but you're working on YOU and that's that! the zen way of no sugar coat on what needs saying...ionsho
>>> I cried when I got to my car. Relief, stress, frustration. It isn't group, or the therapist or anything. It is just me. I want to do something really, really insane and bad. I want to be wrong. I want someone to tell me I'm wrong and then fix me. I'm tired of the being a good girl.<<<
others posts have better addressed this good girl issue...nothing more to add from this poster.
>>> It is too hard to keep being this good. Feels like I'm on a very high, very thin rope, with no net. I wish someone would push me off. <<<
you HAVE been pushing yourself. you're so "good" that you won't even allow yourself to acknowledge how much work you've done.
how's this?--BEING GOOD DOES NOT EQUAL BEING SILENT
you've not been silent for a long time and as you heal your voice keeps getting louder and gaining strength. kudos to you daisy for your hard work (and the phD! congrats)