Posted by gazo on April 18, 2007, at 12:16:58
that movie was about sex drugs and violence right? i've got two out of three, does that count? My pdoc actually bluntly asked me if i was having sex with strangers and thankfully, no.
i apologize for being so weird on chat last night.. i was under the influence. i had been at an event that was a very positive thing for me.. but i can't handle positive any better than negative. It fries my circuits. So the remarks from my peers and colleagues just sent me around the bend. i ended up at an after-party, etc etc etc.
and i have failed. i have failed miserably. i caved in and was unable to further resist the lure anymore. It's bittersweet... it's like a high that embraces you... but it's a lover-devil. i was so strong and so proud of myself... now where am i? Back to square 1.
and no.. i am sorry but i did not call my T or the pdoc. The pdoc would have a cow. Honest. He'd lecture me and i can't deal with that. My T would be the better of the two for this... but i haven't been able to even tell him about it at all yet. i wasn't able to even say it.. on the phone it would just be silence. As people here have said, he isn't a mind reader.
and i hate myself for this. i don't **want** to tell him now. i could have before because i was fighting the desire, and it was still something i was winning. Now i have failed and i just want to hide it away. i thought a lot about what i would say when he asks me again.. because he knows there is something... and i have decided to tell him that it honestly isn't relevant anymore. i had wanted to tell him to try and stop myself, but it's too late for that. If it ever gets discussed it will a long time down the road now. The urgency is gone.
i told him in my last letter that i feel bad for him.. for taking me on. i feel like i duped him into it and he has no idea what he got himself into. i feel bad for telling him i engaged in destructive behaviours... and then being unable to talk about them. i feel bad that he is so nice to me..
i got a tattoo once... as a reminder to be brave. No one else knows what it is about except me, one friend and now my T. He loved it. He thought that was a great idea, to have something concrete and visable to remind me. That made me feel good, that he understood what it meant to me.
He is SO nice. He has been very intuitive..just like i had hoped for.. i don't think i could have asked for a better match. He took to heart my request that things be slow, and he doesn't ask or expect too much too quickly. i told him my fears and concerns about discussing end points, goals and dependency... and he understood exactly what i was saying. He actually said that my ideas or definition of dependency were perfectly reasonable... and he seemed a little sheepish.. he said his comment about dependency had been meant to make me feel better. It had the opposite effect.
like i said... so very nice. i feel bad because he is so nice.. he doesn't deserve to get stuck with me. He deserves someone more likely to improve. With all the care and effort he puts into this he should get a return, you know? i feel bad cuz i know i will frustrate him.
i asked about his comfort level with my BP should it get out of hand. He said we'd deal with as it came up.... and i had to tell him it was already an issue. i feel embarrassed by that for some reason.. not sure why. He said he felt i should start the new prescriptions and he was willing to be open about working with me even if my BP is giving me trouble. He said he didn't have a lot of experience with Bper's but was willing to learn.
cr*p. If he is so nice like this i feel like i have to not ruin it.. his opinion of me will start to matter more.
anyway... i also asked him in the letter to talk about being able to call.. he already said it was ok, but i have a LOT of trouble asking for help. Like others here i feel it would be just bothering him... and i have trouble just even saying why i would be calling. My pdoc always returned my calls but it never helped much. We just connect on a different level.
poster:gazo
thread:751025
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070406/msgs/751025.html