Posted by gazo on April 6, 2007, at 9:38:41
In reply to Re: feedback on letter to T? » gazo, posted by Daisym on April 6, 2007, at 0:15:53
wow Daisy.. that is powerful feedback. Thank you, sincerely and deeply. You are very insightful.
> I've been following your letter saga and it strikes me that you are trying to head him off at the pass - kind of set up the tone and rules of therapy via letter.
This thought had crossed my mind.. and in one version i actually said i didn't know if my motivation was to help him or attempt to control the situation. i think it might be both.
>"don't hurt me because my last therapist really did by leaving" piece.
yeah that. definiftely that. a lot of that.
> I don't think you can dictate how this new therapist does therapy, or approaches you. I think you saying, "these are the things I'm worried about" is a really healthy approach. That way you can both decide how to work together and if it will work. But this is a process and it can't be rushed. And the trust will come from the interactions - the more you lay your fear bare, and he helps you with it, the more you will trust him.
you are absolutely right. it's hard for me to figure out what i am trying to do with the letters. on one hand i want to give him as much info as i can about things to look for. i really do want him to have the best shot at working with me as possible. i am trying to tell him what my fears are about working with him.. that i am afraid he won't see or hear me... that i am afraid he will get angry at me. on the other hand, i am trying to protect myself too, by telling him what to do i guess. so confusing. :o(
> I imagine that if you give him the letter at your next session, and tell him how hard it was for you to drop off, he will learn so much by this exchange.
That is what happened last time, but i didn't give it to him until the end of session so i have no idea how that is going to go.
> Just in reading your posts I can see that you really want to follow the rules and are afraid he will view you negatively, and perhaps refuse to work with you, if you break a rule or push a boundary.
It is a MAJOR issue for me. definitely. i need him to understand that before anything bad happens.. how he handles it could put me in a psych ward. No lie. i want him to be aware of the big triggers that i know about. It's not just my past, it's my present.. the world i live in right now has some big consequences for getting things wrong. It has made me very afraid.
>I can see how much you are hurting and how scared you are that instead of helping, this new therapist will add to the hurt. I hear a little girl part of you asking him to let you need him, if only for a little while.
oh god daisy... thank you. i do hurt. So badly sometimes and no one sees it. People around me think i am so strong and happy. For whatever reason i am unable to show how i really feel, and i told my T that. If you can get that from my letter then it makes me hopeful he will too. i know he can't read my mind, and i don't know how to connect enough with how i feel to be able to just openly show him. i hope the letters bridge that.
> I write to my therapist all the time. But I share my writings in session most of the time. He says he learns a lot from the readings, not just from what I wrote but in my own emphasis on the words. I'm not saying you have to read this letter, but it is something to consider.
i can't read them aloud just yet. i think i will be able to once i feel more safe there. i can't explain it but when something is meaningful i open my mouth and no words come out.
> Mostly I'm struck by how badly you want this to work. I really hope he is the therapist you need and you are able to let him help you. Especially after all this angst!
i hope so too daisy. i really do. i am ready to do this now. i am very encouraged by his manner and the info he gave me. he was very open about his choice of methods and talked to me on his level, which is important because i clash with people who talk down to me. i feel a little betrayed by my former t for reasons other than the termination... long story. He doesn't know it but he actually did manage to touch the real me just for a split second with a comment he made. That really encourages me.
ANgst is my middle name by the way ;o)
i don't know what you know about schema therapy, but it seems absolutely perfect for me. Perfect. It deals with childhood/young adult issues and traumas, along with the here and now. It puts more emphasis on the relationship between T and client and it says something about limited reparenting.. but i'm not sure i'd be into that. :/
i want very much to let him help me. i get torn between getting in his way and wanting to give him the inside track. If i know i react to certain things, or i have tendencies that might hinder him, then i feel like i should tell him up front. He did thank me for the things i told him before.
Thank you Daisy. i mean it. You've given me excellent feedback with lots to think about. i might even print this out and give it to him sometime because i think it's good observations.