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Re: Hi all » Daisym

Posted by antigua on March 20, 2007, at 8:30:39

In reply to Re: Hi all » antigua, posted by Daisym on March 20, 2007, at 1:02:54

Thanks for responding, and thanks for your post below. Good ideas.

You know, I don't think of it as having a falling out with my therapist. I think of it more as teenage rebellion. I've been with her for almost 16 years and she has taught me so much (like a good mother) and I just think I was trying to spread my own wings and not rely on her so much. I know that I still have mother issues, but I'm thinking that I will work them out with my own mother instead of the T. My T is a lovely woman, and your fantasy of her office and dog is really correct, and I think we are coming to termination. Maybe not this year, but I've gone to every other week. I know I still need her, but the ache is gone.

I had a pdoc appt last night and he fessed up to pushing me deliberately last time when he said there was no little girl, there was just me. I was upset when he denied the little girl, but he says he was pushing me toward full integration and thought I was ready for it. I'm not sure he was right--the little girl is definitely still with me and no matter what he says, I respect her needs and wishes, but I try not to let her control my life. I mean the self destructive part--I won't let her be self destructive anymore because it's not to either of our advantages, but I still see her as separate.

Your comments about hypnosis are right on. I never really let go because of the fear, and mostly because of the fear of the anger that I thought would emerge and overwhelm me. But as I said, I learned some great coping techniques and I take them with me.

I don't know if I will ever let go, but that's my cross to bear. But my pdoc said something really interesting to me yesterday. I have always been under the impression that the shame had to be healed at the childish level, but he says that comes later, with the integration. That I was trying to heal the child with my adult brain and not the child's. It makes sense to me because I'm always anyalzing everything to death, but I know that I'm still too afraid to let the little girl completely open up. And I'll just have to live with it, as long as it doesn't interfere with my life or my emotions.

Iknow you're having such a tough time again and I'm sorry about that. But it will get better, I promise you. It just takes a long time, and we all move at our own pace. Your T is wonderful and your feelings for him are very valid and I'm glad he respects that. If I didn't have my T, I'd like to have yours!

In some ways, I feel like I'm re-enacting my childhood with my T and pdoc, who is a male. I'm not attracted to my pdoc, although he is young and cute (too young, he still has a lot to learn!), but he does represent the authority figure of my father to me. But I can stand up to him, and he's not always right. My T is more like the nurturing mother, not quite ready to let me go. Just like I am with my own children.

Ask me next month how I feel. All I know is that I'm writing and working again, and I haven't felt like doing that in years.

Write whenever. I always love to hear from you,
antigua


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