Posted by antigua on March 18, 2007, at 20:18:20
Boy, the server is slow today or is it just me?
In any case, I've been lurking but not writing for a while (sorry), but I wanted to check in and say hi to all and tell you how much I appreciate everyone's efforts to get through all this stuff. There really should be a manual--maybe we should write one!
for those who have been so kind to ask, I'm doing well. I fear that I will jinx myself, but o.k., I've been doing really well.
I gave up my hypnosis. My excuse (my DH's) anyway was money. When I added it all up, I was spending way more on my T, pdoc and hypnotist than I was making and money is tight now, so hypnosis was first to go. I also know my excuse may sound hollow--we were doing good work and maybe it was too much for me. I never had memories come up, really, but I sure learned a lot of relaxation and coping skills. I also learned how to do EMDR on my own, and I tried it and it worked! Never thought that was possible...
My pdoc gave me a stern lecture about six weeks ago--really kind of that "buck up" and "get over it" talk that made me so mad! He truly believes that we never get over things like csa, we just learn to live with it. I don't agree with him, but part of me said maybe I've been through all I can get through. I can't force myself to be any better, or gain more insights, and yes, I have accepted what happened to me, but hey, it DOES color my whole life today, no matter what he says.
So I had a crisis with my T and pushed her so far away that I didn't see her for weeks. She actually got kind of mad at me, and said if I was quitting, she needed some certified letter or something.. I wasn't quitting, I just wanted to take a break, but I realized I was pushing her out of my life, too. Worked well for a little while, but you know the story... went crawling back. We're going to every other week for a while, but it's kind of useless because I spend most of my time catching up and avoiding the real issues I still need to deal with.
So, I'm hanging in there. Taking a lot more on myself to take care of myself. When I got so mad at my pdoc, I tapered down to half my does of Cymbalta (spite perhaps?) and I feel so much better. I was a zombie and didn't realize it. I didn't care about some things that really were important (like deadlines!)
Am I finished with therapy? No, but I feel like I have my life back again. I still have tons of dreams that tie into csa, but I just try to work them out. If I get too upset, back to my T.
I think what I'm saying is that I've moved out of my depression. I'm not so debilitated right now--not that it won't come back; mine definitely goes in cycles, but I do feel stronger.
I still have real trouble with the good father/bad father issue and feel like I will never solve it, so it's just sitting there, but I just accept that it's there.
I was a crazy woman for the last couple of years, and I am enjoying my peace now. (crazy is good, too, though! It helps us grow.)
So hang in there to those of you who are suffering badly. I know how much it hurts and how you feel like you're stuck in the middle with no way out, and all you want is to get OUT, no matter how you do it. But please, please try to be kind to yourself; beating up on ourselves just never works. I know this for a fact.
love to all,
antigua
poster:antigua
thread:742020
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070309/msgs/742020.html