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Re: Wishy, how goes it? (n.m.)

Posted by wishingstar on March 13, 2007, at 17:55:30

In reply to Wishy, how goes it? (n.m.), posted by Iwillsurvive on March 13, 2007, at 11:39:12

Thanks for thinking of me and asking iws.. thats very sweet of you.

Not doing so great recently. I've had a very hard last week or so. Had an issue with a close friend, and with my advisor at school, which was a big stressor.. but it's just the depression too. My advisor called Ginny on Thurs because I didnt answer my phone (hello, I was at work!) and was planning to call the cops to check on me. I asked her not to talk to Ginny without my permission, but she went ahead and sent her another email yesterday. Ginny knows everything this woman knows.. and Ginny isnt talking because she doesnt have a release.. but it still feels like my advisor is crossing her boundaries big time. I cant trust her anymore. She apologized this morning and said she'll back off, but its really too late. No one is safe right now. I've just come to feel that no one is really truly safe, even when I think they are.. its all an illusion. So I'm not trusting my judgment with anyone anymore.

I've fallen very hard into restricting in the last week or so (restricting food/calories, that is).. its a thing I used to do in high school (late 90s) but havent done it like this in years. I'm at my lowest weight since high school right now. I'm feeling sort of blunted, numb, slow.. I guess probably from not eating. The depression has gotten a little better in the last few days, I guess from the adreneline rush of being angry for a few days and because I'm finally "coping" by not eating.. terrible coping of course, but it's something.

I've lost my ability to cry. I used to never cry, then a few months ago relearned it.. and now it's gone again. I can feel the tears in my throat, but they just wont come out. That's scary because it means I'm pulling further into myself.. which is what I want to do in some ways, but it makes it harder for me to get better I guess.

I didnt go to work Monday.. I got out of one appt by using a reasoning that sounded like a sound therapeutic decision based on the clients situation, but really it was just an excuse. Missing it isnt a terribly big deal because the lead clinician was there anyway, but I do feel bad about it. I also did have paperwork I needed to get done. I just couldnt drag myself in to do it. I did it today, so it isnt a big deal I guess, but I know it's not a good sign. I've lost myself somewhere. This girl isnt me.

I see Laurie, my old T from last summer, tomorrow. It's a 2 hour drive but I guess Ginny is hoping she'll get through to me, since I've pretty much shut Ginny out completely. I'm going to try to be as open and honest as I possibly can. I'm looking forward to seeing her. I see Ginny on Thursday too. I really have cut her out emotionally though. As I'm writing this, I'm realizing how much I have. I usually count the days, and this time, I'm not. I'm glad to see her on Thurs I guess, but if it were Fri or any other day, it wouldnt make a big difference to me. It partially feels like more of an annoyance to have to go there, a break in my work schedule. I've never felt that way before. It's good because it makes coping easier, but bad because I managed to successfully destroy what was a good therapeutic relationship in a matter of 2 weeks. I really think she could have helped me.. but she cant at this point (and thats my fault, not hers). I wont be terribly surprised if she tells me she doesnt think she can help me further and refers me elsewhere. I can feel it coming. It's okay, I guess.

I'm hating myself for wanting attention recently. I guess a small part of me does want someone to just grab me and hold onto me and let me cry.. and say it's going to be okay. And I feel like I'm being all sorts of attention-seeking the last week or so. I'm not sure why. I guess its the little girl inside who wants to be heard, but I think I've almost succeeded in killed her. Allowing myself to feel all that would just be too intense and there is no good outlet.

Like I said above.. I've just lost myself. Lost myself in a blur of self-destuction and pain and anger and fear and neediness. I dont know where to find me.

Thanks for asking iws. It helps to know youre thinking of me. (((iws)))


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poster:wishingstar thread:740682
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