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I did it...sort of (long)

Posted by peddidle on February 8, 2007, at 23:03:19

So I actually talked a little more than usual in therapy today. My T said that she was determined to figure out what happens between my brain and my mouth that doesn't allow me to say what I'm thinking. At one point when she could tell that I was trying to tell her something, she told me to just start talking and not worry about forming complete sentences, just free associate and if it was incoherent, she would piece it together. I told her I hate Freud, we both laughed, and she said that it was actually relevant to psychodynamic also. So I guess she's a psychodynamic therapist? I've been trying to figure that out.

It was really hard, because we mostly talked about my friend and stuff. I was trying really hard not to cry, but eventually my eyes got really foggy...I'm sure she could tell.

My T told me about how she has dealt with the deaths of people close to her. It helps to know that she has gone through a, somewhat, similar experience as me.

She brought up the writing thing again, and my eyes went directly to my bookbag; she can always tell that I have something relevant with me when my eyes drift to my bag. I told her that I had actually been looking like crazy for the letter that I had written to my friend, because I wanted her to read it, but the closest thing I was able to find was my college application essay that I had written about my friend's illness. So I let her read it. She said that I obviously understand how to deal with this problem, but I have trouble listening to myself. I told her that I wrote that essay at a time when I thought my friend was cured, and I also may have exaggerated it a little. She said it didn't matter, because if I knew how to deal with it then, I still know how to deal with it now. I'm not sure I agree with that, but whatever.

At the end of the session, she said that she wanted me to bring in more things for her to read. So I mentioned that I was writing a paper for one of my classes that may be, unintentionally, relevant. I let her read that too. Again, she told me that I obviously understand the grieving process, etc., but that I don't listen to myself. And again, I'm not sure if I agree, but whatever.

The session ran over by about 20-25min. I love when that happens, but I also feel bad that I kept her so long. She had to have known we were already running over when she asked to read my paper, but she read it anyway. I guess that means she really wanted to read it and didn't care what time it was.

My T is amazing. She has a way of throwing a little levity into everything, only when it's appropriate, of course. Before I left, she asked if she could give me a hug. She's only ever given me a hug before a holiday, or before a long break (like winter break, or summer). It was really great. It was a long hug, and then she kind of stroked my arms as she let go. That one moment felt so good.

Now, of course, I have to wait a week to see her again. This time though, I think I told her just about everything I wanted to...well, except for one thing that I forgot about. Anything else that I didn't say was probably because we ran out of time. I think part of the problem may be that I am afraid of getting better, because that would mean that I would lose her. Although, she said that we still have a lot of time to work on things. There are a lot of areas that I need to work on, but sometimes it feels like it'll all get better really quickly. I know that's not logical, because therapy is a slow process, and it should be. I am just afraid of getting better too quickly.

Anyway, I just wanted to share this with everyone. Sorry I wrote so much.

 

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poster:peddidle thread:731274
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